adventures of elijabet

counting down

2010-11-20T05:09:00.000-08:00

counting down from eternity - that's how i've been feeling like lately. i count the minutes till my darling luna falls asleep each night; each night less of struggle than the night before. tonight i convinced her to sleep in her own "bed" (more a mat korean-style on the floor next to the bed). we'll see if if she stays there or can sleep through the night without me by her side. so, now i'm counting down the minutes till she realizes i'm not next to her.

i'm counting down the days till i've found some reciprocity from sk. will this day ever come? these little steps forward and leaps backwards are tiring and wearing me thin. some days i feel hopefully and other days i just feel a sense of tension that is filled with negative anticipation rather than love and affection. i don't want to reach out to my husband and his touch makes me cringe right now. i wonder if i'll return to feeling when his touch was the one thing i use to count down the hours and minutes to feel again.

i'm counting down the hours till he comes home from drinking again. but realistically i'm counting down the years when he'll stop drinking or months till my possible departure. either one will surpass the other i'm just wondering which will occur first. i'm counting down the days till he finds a counselor and he can finally heal from the pain that haunts him.

i'm counting the days till my second daughter will enter the world a full fledge human being to be greeted by her adoring sister who doesn't know the depth of how much she'll be growing up soon. i'm no longer counting down the seconds till we've figured out a name but i am counting down the braxton-hix contractions and my slow breathing through each one in anticipation of the "real" ones.

counting down from eternity.

what i want to say

2010-07-27T05:46:00.000-07:00

this is what i want to say.

i'm done with this. something really needs to convince me to stay cuz i'm just not convinced.

i'm bitter and hurt. is there something that you can say or do that will change this? or remedy it? where's my reciprocity? what i've learned growing up is to just leave it behind. and now i just wanna leave.

cutie pie

2009-08-13T19:20:00.001-07:00

yesterday, S took my lil' luna outside to the playground where there are some swings and a jungle-gym on top of rubber all-weather turf. the playground is lined with benches one side where moms and sometimes dads sit and watch their children. And flankeflanking the other side is a big tree with grandparents sitting in its shade fanning themselves breathing the burning mesquito coil.

there's a few halmuni's that loooooooove luna and the feeling is mutual. they say hi and "oooo" and "ahhhh" over her big eyes and luna responds by waving her hands, kicking her legs, smiling and sometimes letting out a yelp.

then there are the kids that frequent the playground that live in our apartment building. they always say hi to us very politely as the race around chasing each other or jumping off the swings. one boy, mingoo always sheepishly approaches me but loves to get S's attention. he's got a girlfriend named na-yah and they're both in preschool. cuz mingoo's eyes are like little slits in a old man kind of way loves to say about lil' luna, "how does such a little baby have such big eyes?"

na-yah was bummed out yesterday because mingoo is moving away to live in a less expensive town a few hours away. but S talked to them, although he was a little bummed too, and they felt better.

while he was talking with them lil' luna started squirming so S took down her panties and held her to pee. mingoo peeked down underneath and luna's privates and said, "i guess cuz she's a little baby her pepper hasn't grown out yet."

S said, "but mingoo-ah, girls don't have peppers."

mingoo looked over at na-yah his little slit eyes big, lips rounded in astonishment exclaims, "so, nayah you don't have a pepper?!!!"

nayah blushed and hid behind her hands.

oh mingoo.

return

2009-08-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

i think the pain is returning. after nearly a year and a half the daily pain is returning. the lack of sleep is eating at me. my muscles are hurting. my mood is deteriorating...ugh. maybe once summer intensives at work are over we can go back to an easier schedule...and i can rest.

i also need to return home soon. i miss oakland. how did our parents immigrate and not visit their homeland for over 30 years? i'm nearly making past two years without breaking. but this world is made of money and the problems associayed with the lack of. ugh.

future

2009-07-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

i usually could get a general idea of the overall direction that my life is going and even though i'm in the probably the most stable part of my life, i.e. family producing. this seems odd to me. in more "unstable" portions of my life i could predict with certainty what my next move will be. perhaps the lack of independent choice is what's stopping my soul from searching out certainty.

escape

2009-07-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

sometimes i go to the bathroom pretending to take a dump but really i'm just trying to get some alone time without feeling guilty.

i've been trying to figure out to have some more alone time. i just wanna read in peace. or just think.

sometimes i don't want to be needed. i don't want anyone waiting for me to get home. i want to finish my conversation at work before i have to worry about my responsibilities at home.

i need to go to the sauna.

honesty

2009-06-21T05:32:00.000-07:00

last week i changed my permissions on this blog to allow only those i had invited, excepted i didn't invite anyone. i wanted somewhere to post my thoughts but at the time wanted some privacy or perhaps put on a veil of shame. then i reread what i wrote and thought otherwise.

i've never been ashamed of my faults in the past and i realize that my life is a constant work in progress. perhaps, this can be a forum to seek the support that i feel is lacking in my life. i have great people around me but i feel like an island to myself living so far from my community.

another friend left korea yesterday. i didn't properly say goodbye. i feel like a punk for that. but i was exhausted. working double shifts and trying to spend enough with luna.

i have another friend...my lil' brother, leaving in a few weeks and i'm super bummed already. i'm not looking forward to saying goodbye. but this is the nature of being an expat leaving in korea. people leave. people move here then they go home. friend visit then go home.

i've stayed and i'm still trying to figure out how to make some friends that are a little more permanent. sung kook's friends are distant because that's the culture here. i wish i could change that but that may take time and lots of effort. i need to plan more gatherings even to our small apartment. or outings and picnics...baseball. i will make more effort.

this weekend we're headed down to the country for a wedding and we will surrounded by sung kook's friends. i will make an effort. ...

calming the storm

2009-06-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

so, i know i've been known to go off people in anger but i've always felt it was controlled and with precision. but since moving to korea and finding myself lacking the language to express myself fully i find myself regress into my familial patterns of expressing rage. i scream. i throw things. i curse. i act completely crazy and irrational. i want to smash everything; especially myself. if i could smash this rage that is storming inside me i would.

i never hit anyone but myself. i never target anyone with the objects i'm throwing. but it's frightening to see and it's frightening to me but most of all it's frightening to luna. i try to rationally stop myself but then i find myself complete ingulfed in this rage that i must release it. and i can't feel i'm being heard and my thoughts are so loud i need to scream.

i just need to feel like i'm being heard. i just need to feel like someone is hearing what i'm saying and not belittling me. i need to find a way to say what i need to say in a calm manner. i'm always feeling like i'm under attack and must take on a very defensive stance. i mean nearly all the time. particular with my husband. i always feel like at any moment he's going to tell i've done something wrong or disparage me. my age, my belly, my inability to speak korean, ... all to make himself feel better about his situation. so, i'm always suspicious.

where does this suspicion lie? where did it begin? how do i talk about this with him without him feeling belittled and disparaged? i feel like he always retreats to his own insecurities and then we can't have an open discussion about what the root of our problems are.

so, i just adjust and deal. then i find myself bitter and uncared for.

there's been a pattern in my life that i feel like no one listens to me. no one hears me. i talk and talk and talk and my words fall on deaf ears. like at work. i talk to instructors about the things they're missing in their curriculum and then they just keep on doing it. then i think, "did i not say it right? should i try another approach?" so, i change my tactic and still...same ol' same.

i think i'm functioning under the wrong assumption that if people hear what i've got to say that they will be of the same mentality. but i'm wrong. i think i'm just beginning to realize that i'm am unique in my thinking that perhaps i need to change the way i'm thinking. my p.o.v. needs to change.

need to get back to this

2009-06-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

i need to get back to the things that have brought me comfort and sanity in the past. including in this list is writing. i haven't written anything that is longer than a list of things to do in nearly a year. it's awful on the mental and emotional state.

i find myself more irritated than ever and consequently confused by my emotional fumblings, insecurities, and outbursts. so, i need to find a place to actively pursue my writing at least as a release.

wow...it's been too long, i know.

2009-03-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

time flies. i could have sworn i just turned 30...that was 5 years ago and now luna's already 4 months old. and all i can ask is "have i done anything meaningful?" and my reply is a hollow, "i hope so but i'm not sure."

i'm not sure because right at this moment i feel as if my actions and accomplishments have accounted for nothing more than just simply wisps of air blowing out of my ass. i haven't made an impact on my life or the lives of those around me except to add to their burden. that my goals to serve my community and those around me with prinicple and dedication have all be sidelined and simply just hollow depthless words back by no hard evidence of action and only being held up by a very weak excuse. this is most of how i look at the things i've done in my life thus far.

except for luna. my luna girl. she's the one shining star in my life. the glimmering beacon of moonlite that shines a course for my desitute wayward self whose been bobbing along on the vast ocean trying desperately to find the shore. i find the joys in the everyday things and there are many but there a few that are gems.

first, when she wakes up she turns over and looks for my face and smiles. her eyes get real bright and turn into the shape of crescent moons; lights up my spirit.

second, when she laying in my arms feeding and falls asleep. so precious and soft.

third, when she says very clearly that she dislikes something. there is no doubt that i'm doing something wrong...and resolution only requires to stop the current discomfort and be held close.

fourth, her laughter. arrow right to my heart every time.

little moon

2008-12-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

our little moon, LUNA, arrived a little over a month ago on october 28th at 11:23 a.m. weighing 3.94 kg = 8.5 lbs. i can't believe a month has zoomed by and she grows and changes everyday.

sung kook is so proud to have a daughter and i'm so proud to have him by my side. he's a great dad and partner - he does all the cooking and cares for luna when i'm in pain, exhausted or at work.

i'm in love.

welcome to the world luna...

at home...

at home on the potty with mommy...

here's luna with her grandparents

week 4...
grandpa pants

good times

2008-10-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

sung kook and i went to a noraebang for the first time a couple of weekends ago with his cousin. it was lots of fun. i forgot how fun it should be and had a really hard time choosing good songs to sing. but good thing in korea you can sing for just an half an hour at a time. but here's a video of sung kook losing his voice.

love from my students

2008-10-10T04:54:00.000-07:00

while i was holed up in the hospital for five days, some of my students wrote me get well cards. here's some of the best.

kathy says that i've got be worried about how "sick" i will feel when i have a baby.

don is always trying to act like he doesn't care....

the above is from jack and gelacio...

helena is a sweetie.

edward is against diseases and me laid up in a bed.

like no other

2008-10-08T14:12:00.001-07:00

the other night i dreamnt i was holding my baby for the first time and i felt a love i had never known. it was beautiful. and it was only a dream...how much more will i feel when i am actually holding my baby in my arms?

37 weeks

2008-10-08T02:44:00.000-07:00

baby is making her move down and is according to the doctor 3.2 kg = 7.05 lbs. eek! so, we've got our bags pack for the "any day now" moment.

four night 5 days

2008-10-06T17:14:00.000-07:00

that's how long i was holed up in the hospital till monday. last week wednesday during my first class, i started to feel my temperature rising and decided to go home early. i spent the night developing some serious aches, stiff muscles and a rising temperature. i decided not to call the hospital right away and took a tylenol which helped me through the night. the next day the fever was back in full swing and so i drove myself to the hospital. i thought i had a flu.

when i got there my temperature was 38 degrees C or 100 degrees F and baby's heart was racing pretty face. the doctor said i needed to bring my temperature down so they put me on a saline drip for the next 6 hours. sung kook joined me at the hospital and we watched free cable tv until we went home. my fever went down but i was exhausted.

that night the chills started and i couldn't stop shaking. i turned on the heat and took a hot shower but apparently this is the wrong way to go cuz the chills means that my temperature was on the rise again and i was only assisting it. i somehow survived through the night breaking through with feverish sweat.

we decided to go to the hospital again and when we saw our doctor, she wanted to test something out and gave me a few soft pounds with her fist to my back which resulted in me feeling a piercing pain and giving a startled cry followed tears. my doctor felt terrible and said that i would have to be admitted cuz i had a kidney infection.

i felt like there were some very glaring differences in the korean and medical system. for one, the room we were in was pretty crowded. there were six beds with six small cots for their "guest" or in korean literally translated "helper". each patient had one person there at any given time around the clock to help and be there for the patient. the cot is small and hard and very uncomfortable, so i sent sung kook home on the first night but the staff kept asking where my helper was. it seemed to be a given that there should always be a helper on hand; that no one should ever be alone when at the hospital. there seemed to be no designated visiting hours, since helpers arrived to stay the night as late as 11 p.m.

about a year ago i spent two nights at the hosptial in oakland for an appendicitis and i had tons of guests but no one was allowed to stay the night with me. it was very comforting to have sung kook there at night, even if he could do nothing more than hold my mine or fetch me water. having him sleeping near me helped me sleep through the night.

here's sung kook trying to be comfortable on that little cot.

another differnce seemed to be that the nursing staff were actually all nurses. the u.s. has begun to opt to eliminate the duties of the nurse by breaking down their duties to technicians. i had the same nurses checking in on me, changing my IV, and giving me my shots. all good for me, but not so good for the nurses, who did everything for way too many patients. they seemed to be on their feet constantly, even changing bedsheets.

then there was the bedding. my pillow and blankets were purple. they were just like what i would buy from any store and use at home. so although the bed was a typical odd hosptial bed (without all the bells and whistles of a u.s. hospital bed; crank lever to adjust the incline of the bed) and totally uncomfortable, it was soft and comforting to have a real blanket.

another comfort was the food. here's a couple pix of my meals.

it wasn't the tastiest fine dining meal but it was definitely edible and somewhat enjoyable. this standard meal cost us about $2. unlike the u.s. where the meals should not be categorized at food but rather a rubber stamp yet priced like a 5=star prime rib dinner.

one similarity for sure is the hospital gowns. they are ugly. they seemed agree internationally that hospital gowns should be unflattering. mine could be described no less than a muumuu. i looked ten years older and 50 lbs bigger. very unflattering. but i tried to look cute.

but the biggest difference in my experience with the hospital was the bill. we pay about $38 a month for both sung kook and mine medical insurance. it's a nationalized plan. it doesn't cover everthing, such as medicine but it covers the stay and the care. in korea the bed and care given to patients is shared by the insurance plan, so the patient is never directly billed for these things. our bill was simple and we were billed for medicine which was half covered by the insurance. our hospital stay essentially cost $355. here's our bill.

i was floored at how inexpensive it was but thankful i was insured. we also had in the previous month insured our baby and if anything had happened s/he would have been covered. i'm thankful for the advice i was given by my friend.

unfortunately, because of the unforseen medical stay we had to cancel our baby shower. it's been postponed and i'm hoping to hold the baby until the 19th to enjoy the time with friends.

i have more thoughts about the exprience including sharing cards my students made me. but this is much as i could do today.

chusok

2008-09-16T16:10:00.001-07:00

sungkook and i drove our new little daewoo matiz to the countryside to visit his parents this past weekend for chusok. although, we left a little bit before 1 a.m. on friday night, after i got off work at 10 p.m., the normally 4.5 hour ride took nearly 7 hours. half down the peninsula we got stuck in holiday traffic. at 3 a.m. can you believe it? sung kook did all the driving since, sitting upright comfortably for long periods of time is getting pretty rough to handle. plus, he slept while i worked earlier that night, and so i hugged my body size pillow and slept most of the way.

i woke in the morning to weather reminiscent of sf bay area weather - fog beginning to burn off from the sun + humidity. familiar but not. but i still woke up outside of seoul in the lovely countryside...and i was happy.

we slept much of the afternoon and then took a drive through the mountains near his hometown and stopped to eat some freshly grilled eel. so fresh, that the tail was still flopping back and forth when we placed on the grill. here's some shots from the deck outside where we ate. sungkook said he use to swim in that river as a kid.

river with a bird flying through

side of road...i had to pee so we propped the two doors so i could squat...then a car up the road behind us giving the passerby-ers a full moon. hahaha

after returning to the house, we fell asleep again. i've been having dizzy spells lately and laying down seems to be the best remedy. extra iron supplements don't seem to have an effect. i think it's the swelling and thus pinching on my circulation and nerves.

we woke up and ate dinner than we spent the rest of the night chilling with some of sungkook's friends. then the next day we went to church with my mother-in-law while my father-in-law and brother-in-law went for a hike up the mountain to a grave site of a grandparent. my father-in-law came back with a scrapped knee and a torn pant leg, which he displayed with pride. he seem to revel in the attention the scrap garnered, so i laid it on thick.

later that day we spent time with my mother-in-law's cousin, who stopped with his wife and son, nicknamed "lemon". apparently, when his wife was pregnant, they named the baby cherry cuz they thought the baby was a girl. it seems that koreans give their baby a name while in the womb to recongnize that s/he a person in their first year of life. koreans count age from conception. sooo...but by the fifth month the realized the baby was a boy, they were a little sour and named him lemon.

they no longer sour about it all and he is a doll. here's a few shots of him warming up to me. and a family shot. i really like them. they were open and kind. they made me feel comfortable enough that i could talk freely and without hesitation, which i seem to do with my brother-in-law and his wife. i think i hestitate with my korean around them cuz i feel uncomfortable.

lemon wanted to pick pears from the orchard so we braved the mosquitos and picked and ate. yummy. i realized now that i don't have any shots of the lovely pears. they were delicious though. trust me. goksung pears are famous for their sweetness.

we found this frog nestled in the creases of the bag that are wrapped around the pears to prevent bugs from getting to them.

we drove home later that night our car full of food and other goodies, leaving around 11 p.m. when the traffic was light and got back to seoul in 5 hours with a stop off the side of the road for an hour so sungkook could catch a few z. next time we go down, we'll have baby in tow with my mom. i can't wait.

week 32

2008-09-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

things are getting heavier and the countdown has really begun. i'm six weeks away from maternity leave...i don't know if i'm ready. i have hardly begun to settle into being pregnant and now...here the baby will be here in about two months. s/he active and moves around all the time. sung kook can hear the heartbeat and tells her stories before we go to bed.

my mom will be here in october and we're keeping our fingers crossed that the baby arrives soon after she does she can spend as much time as she can with the baby before she has to go back home.

keep your fingers crossed.

august birthday party

2008-08-28T18:28:00.001-07:00

i'm huge, originally uploaded by lijabet.

our boss threw a birthday party for all the teachers who had birthdays in august and those teachers who were leaving our hakwon. it was really fun night. it was the first time all the teachers came out together and mood was great. atmosphere good, friends and good memories in abundance.

click on the picture to access my flikr to see the rest of the pix.

my impression of homer

2008-08-11T05:35:00.000-07:00

i'm channeling homer simpson:

pot belly and although they aren't man boobs, homer has got some competition with mine.

here are some more flattering shots...

i don't realize how big i'm getting until i see the pix. honestly, i'm shocked. these pix were taking at an impromptu weekend getaway with sung kook and his friends, kyung hung and sung eun. it wasn't the greatest place, as you can see with the smoke stain on the wall, but it was enough for one night. the food was excellent and i slept like a baby.

it rained pretty hard for brief periods of time...summer rain it was so refreshing. here's us grilling sam guep sal in the tent with the rain, thunder and lightening raging around us.

this is the owner of the "pension" wearing a scoripions t-shirt. i don't know why they called these little bed&breakfast/hotel getaway place pensions. they keep telling me it's konglish but i don't know any word in english close to this that makes sense. anywhoo...

traffic was horrible but those are the things you put up when you wanna get away for a weekend.

note to self

2008-08-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

you have some of the best friends in the whole world.

turning into the worst version of my parents

2008-08-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

it can be averted. it must be averted.

a startling, (i'm certain, hormone induced) realization kept me awake until 4 a.m. the other day after a fight with sung kook. not only have i learned to only contemplate my relationships with either only two choices: stay or leave, but also, to only concentrate on the pain i have felt was inflicted upon me by my partner rather than the love, joy, and happiness i've received.

i've struggled with 'stay or leave' for a long time. way before i ever met sung kook. i've always asked, "is this it? is this the line that's been crossed? am i justified to leave now? do i stay? how much more do i need to endure?" i never questioned this position prior to sung kook. prior to marriage i just thought of myself as being principled; that i never let a man walk over me the way i thought my mother had let herself be abused by my father. i grew up believing my mom allowed my father to be the man he was. my father's abuse taught me that everyone can and should be controlled, so i conversely believed my mother was allowing herself to be controlled by my father and i decreed i would never be that woman. but now that my father is long gone and i learned a new perspective, i know how faulted my perspective was. it was so seeped in pain and trauma that i didn't know i need to shed.

and yet, i haven't let go of the bad habit of looking at things in black/white. i think this is why i was previously opposed to marriage. i believed there had to only be two choices: stay or leave and either choice was too much heartache and years of regret to deal with. then i met sung kook and he gave me hope that there must be another way.

i'm learning there is a place in the middle where love, trust, patience, and kindness reside. a place i knew existed but never believed i could find or perhaps worse, ever deserved. currently, i teeter in and out of that space because it seems like i'm stuck in a dark room and the only way to find my way is to struggle in the darkness or find the door and leave. that space is like an aurora of light flickering in and out beyond my reach but all i want to do is bask in its warm and beauty. i'm still learning....

this is the work of marriage. i didn't understand until now. i must work at loving sung kook. i must work at trusting him. i must work at being patient. i must work at being kind. because all the pain i've learned from my family and families i've worked with is taught me to only look at the pain. i take for granted the love and hard work sung kook puts into this marriage as well.

thus far, i have only concentrated on making sung kook the exceptional man i think he should be; it had become my mission. i thought the work i had to do was to make him the man he needed to become. so, i've tried to control him by only pointing out all the faults in him. for all the little praise and love i give him, even if he was the most exceptional and secure man, it must be a burden to only hear about the things that you lack. i've resorted to nagging like my mother did my father, yet i felt justified and honorable because i never called him names or tried to abuse him physically. but i just being mean.

he's been mean as well. i've felt hurt by things he has done. but this is not the point. the point is i need to learn how to speak about the pain i feel rather than conveying them as faults on his part. and this needs to be tempered with sharing the things that i love about him. i kept waiting...waiting for him to change before i felt he deserved to be told how well he's doing and the acknowledge the efforts he's made; like a reward. but i need to share these things all the time.

i'm learning.

is it too late to introduce you to my hubbie part 2

2008-07-25T03:11:00.000-07:00

folks know that i am generous with my love and passion, but may not know i am not a romantic person, particularly public displays of affection. i think it has something to do with growing up in a house where i did see much public displays of affection or was ever really surrounded by romance anywhere else in my life.

so, of course, i had to find my partner of a man who needs lots of affection. i know i come up short in this department, especially when folks around us ask why he loves me or what he likes about me, sung kook doesn't skip a beat and drums through a long list while loving staring at me...and i just pause and awkwardly say, "everything".

i honestly don't know what to say. i just love him. that's it. and i can see it hurts him a little to see that i don't have an answer. he would like to hear me say how great he is and i know that would be nice to hear as well. but i'm not so good at it.

i think it's because i cringe at all the romantic mushy stuff. i get super uncomfortable listening to the mushy stuff that sung kook says to me or other people. it's not that's it's so unbelievable or i have a low self-esteem or that i don't know how to take a compliment or accept love, but i feel like it makes others uncomfortable.

i'm not a big PDA person but sung kook is. i don't like to see others and their excessive PDA, it makes me uncomfortable. i think it's because i think there should be sense of modesty or humility when showing your affection. but lately i've been thinking that's just an excuse and i should have no shame in showing my love for my hubbie. i mean, obviously if i didn't truly love him; i mean head over heals in love with him, then why did i marry him so quickly? right? so sorry if this makes you gag...here is my attempt to share with you... what i love about 유성국

he is really passionate. he feels everything very deeply. love, hate, happiness and anger. he's got lots of jung 정 (korean for a deep sense of connection to others, things, places; no literal translation).

he cooks and cleans and does the laundry. he carries without hesitation all the heavy stuff cuz one ten-minute walk with a heavy bag means three days of aches and pains for me. perhaps, these are givens but i think he deserves to recognized cuz there are tons of men who wouldn't blink an eye at watching his female partner do all of these things for him.

he meets me at my work at the end of the day to ride the bus home with me so we can have 30 more minutes together.

he cuts all my fruit for me cuz i don't know how and my hands are too shaky with the small paring knife.

he puts up with my disease. he deals with my bitchy reclusive emotional stunted self that appears when i'm in terrible amounts of pain. and he tells me he loves me regardless.

he grew up in the country and relaxes instead of feeling trapped by the slow pace of the village life.

he decided to not graduate college cuz he didn't want to be play into the myth that you need a college degree to be successful or intelligent in life.

he always willing to change to become a better person.

he loves to eat well but will scarf down whatever is put in front of him without complaint and sometimes will smile and say it taste delicious regardless.

he likes pink and wears scarves around his neck.

he grew a goatee cuz i said i like facial hair.

he likes swimming.

he wants daughters instead of sons.

i don't know if that gives you any idea of who sung kook is but i wanted to let you know. now i need to translated all this in korean and tell him.

here are some recent pix out on dates together:

flashes of memory

2008-07-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

every few days i get this flashes of memory. sometimes it's driving through the hills near the northern california coastline, sometimes it's eating something specific, but whatever the memory it's very distinct and extremely real. it's just a moment too. i feel and almost see myself back in that moment. the sights, sounds, thoughts, feelings...all there for a brief moment.

i wonder if it's my body allowing me to appreciate all the small seeming insignificant but very happy times in my life. or my body telling me...your single life as a non-parent are coming to an end. dun dun duh...

either way, each time is experience these flashes of memory...i think...i know this may sound corny but nonetheless...that i can't wait to share that experience again with sung kook and the baby. driving to point reyes to enjoy the sun, the cows, the oysters...with the sunroof back, sun flickering through the trees and nina simone drowning out the wind.

silly i know. but i found i've become sentimental and silly with love lately. (e. if you're reading this...remember what i said...don't trust me. yeah i still meant it. it's a trap.)

baby bump week 25

2008-07-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

over the 6 month hurdle...now the really large baby bump has begun...

media circus?

2008-07-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

i went out again today to attend the protest with the grandmothers in front of the japanese embassy and there was a media circus...

the japanese government this week decided to begin discussing ways to include the highly disputed islands of dokdo as japanese territory in their middle school and high school history textbooks, fueling heated nationalist fervor in south korea. people we were out throwing eggs and tomatoes at the japanese embassy and flags of the japanese islands. the president and all political parties are up in arms, ready to defend a small inlet of islands that sk and japan have been fighting over for decades.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/15/world/asia/15korea.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=dokdo&st=cse&oref=login

rule and imperialism are still very fresh in people's minds. but i couldn't help but think...it's just land. no one lives on that land except for the military outpost and the tourist that visit daily. but the issue of sexual slavery is one everyone can forget until the nation of japan challenges i get the imperialist overtones and the fever it causes in korean people; the history of japanesekorean sovereignty ...then we can all hop on the bandwagon and give the attention the issue needs - "oh yeah, remember the other atrocity the japanese committed against."

so, finally the grandmothers got a few seconds on the news after twenty minutes of covering the validity of south korean claims to dokdo (almost of all historical evidence and verification used to dispute japanese claims are western, i.e. european...problematic in and of itself but i digress)...18 years of weekly protesting and finally folks wanna make an issue of the history sexually slavery by the japanese military.

i don't know but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

wednesday with the grandmothers

2008-07-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

about a month and a half ago, i tried hooking up with my friend, an unni 언니, from back home. i missed having a fierce older sister around and yearned to have her near. but because she was living in the daegu 대구 teaching english at a university there, we were unsuccessful.

finally with finals over, my 언니 finally made it to seoul. we had a short window of opportunity to hang out...she was going back to the bay area to see her family by the end of the week. so, we agreed to meet at the wednesday protest in front of the japanese embassy in seoul, a short 15 minute bus ride from my house.

see, the grandmothers, survivors of sexual slavery to the japanese military, and their tireless supporters have been protesting in front of the japanese emabassy for 18 years, demanding justice and simply recognition for the systematic sexual crimes committment by its military during WWII. many of you know these grandmothers as comfort women, but they have chosen to be called survivors of sexual slavery to give true meaning to their suffering.

there were about 50-60 people gathered, including 4 grandmothers. the irony of the day was seeing the korean solidiers/police who stand guard in front of the japanese embassy to "protect" the japanese embassy from these peaceful protesters. various speakers from local organizations and universities as well as folks from japan spoke in support of the grandmothers and their struggle. my 안니, led the group in song and her fiesty friend brought out a sign that called the new conservative south korean president a jackass. i loved it. it was inspiring. 10 years. that's a long time...and they are still waiting.

we ended the demonstration with a song for justice...

after the one hour protest, we all piled into two minivans and headed to a resturant, near the korean council for the women drafted for sexual slavery by the japanese military. there were workers and supporters from the council with the four grandmothers who were at the demonstration. my 언니 shared a moment with them that i caught here. tears flowed and it was such a genuine moment of shared grief.

after lunch we spent the next four hours chatting around a table at the council's office. it had been awhile since i had a council of women to share history, lives, stories, laughs...with. i never felt odd even with what i thought was my shortage of korean because the women were open and accepting. we spent the time without realizing how much time had passed.

the council has been working to open a museum in honor of the grandmothers, but funding is scarce and support has dwindled with the conservative presidency, who currently is hobnobbing with neo-imperialists of the G8 in japan.

check out their website: http://www.womenandwar.net/english/index.php
please check it out and send your support if you are able. so, many grandmothers have already passed away and this museum will be the last bastion to archive the true history of this major piece of history.

i met a woman fro the east coast currently working on her ph.d. on the art used to tell the grandmother's struggles both here in korea and in the u.s. we were shocked to be introduced to each and find out we have the same name. elizabeth. i was really happy to meet another progressive kyo-po who had shortcomings with her korean. we looked to each other during the conversation to help out with words we didn't understand.

i'll be going back next wednesday, brining a friend. the director at the council said she had a hard sleeping because any little noise wakes her up in the night. i've offered her some of my earplugs that have saved my life from the horrid noise of the construction.

yawn

2008-07-07T04:05:00.000-07:00

we went to the doctor's on wednesday and did an ultrasound and got a peak at our baby's forming face and body. s/he was curled up in fetal and a breach position; this concerned my doctor, who later gave me tips on a twice daily modified child's pose for me to encourage baby to move into the proper position (head down). it's actually a really comfortable position and i feel the baby moving into position.

right before we entered the ultrasound room, s/he became very active, moving and kicking. i couldn't help but giggle a few times through the ultrasound cuz s/he was tickling me and the ultrasound device was tickling me on the surface of my tummy...kikiki.

s/he gave a pic-a-boo show for using her hands to hide her face...and when she let us take a look at her face she gave us a big yawn....waaaaahhhhh. too be honest, s/he looks a little like the "scream" movie mask, but it was adorable none-the-less. and we got a good clear glimpse up her nose while s/he was yawning. everything else was all in place and developing well. the doctor, keeping her promise not to reveal the sex of baby, she skimmed quickly over the genital. sung kook ask for the sex of baby, and the doctor promptly responded, "you lost the bet, so you said you weren't going to find out."

right when we finished, sung kook jumped up out of his seat to quickly followed the doctor to her office to ambush her while i was still struggling to sit up and adjust my clothes. i caught him trying to ask the doctor the sex of the baby...but she held out...i like her. did i mention that. so, we still don't' know.

doctor says the baby is 662 grams, which is about 1.45 lbs. and the rest of my weight that i've gained 5 kgs (11lbs.) is all me. she gave me a warning about gaining too much weight and getting gestational diabetes. so, i have to stay away from the sweets (not much of a problem for me) and the salt. i need to continue exercising, which has been difficult, given i haven't slept well the past two weeks, in which time i think i gained 2 kgs (4.4 lbs). so, starting this wednesday, i'm getting right back on my aqua-aerobics regiment. when i return in three weeks, we'll take a glucose test to make sure i haven't developed diabetes.

we asked my father-in-law to help choose some names for baby; 5 boy and 5 girl names, which he was thrilled to do. we'll choose one from the list. my mom hearing this felt pressure and said she had been praying on the name for awhile. then, she recently called sung kook and told him she came up with a name 유명해, Yoo Myung Hye...which literally means "famous". we both said, ummmmm. no. it seems childish...유치해 Yoo Chi Hye...(childish). so, i think we'll wait a little bit longer for the longer list. sorry moms.

is it too late to introduce you to my husband?

2008-06-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

so, i've been thinking about how i'm all the way over here and most of those reading this are all the way over there. i was talking with my niece, A, the other day to congratulate her on her graduation from high school (god, i'm old) and she said she feels like she didn't a chance to give "her approval" of my husband. she got me thinking about how folks might be curious about who he is this mysterious man who enter my life and swept her up.

when i call home sometimes it's out of desperation as a result of a difficult patch with him and i feel like the impression left are only the negative or difficult dealings and i haven't been able to proper introduce the whole side of him to my loved ones.

i don't know if i can proper tell you about him but here is my feeble attempt.

everyone...please meet yoo, sung kook 유성국. he grew up in jeollanam-do 전라남도, in gok-sung 곡성. his childhood was so idyllic country setting, playing in the foothills surrounding his village, fishing with his hands for fish in the river, stealing strawberries out the neighbor's patch and running around outside instead of in front of the tv or computer. as a teenager, he cruising neighboring villages/towns on motor scooters to get drunk in some bar and dreaming of getting out to the city and slept with bamboo trees swaying right outside his bedroom window.

jars on the rooftop local church filled with seniors

fields in the winter

bamboo outside bedroom window

fruit tree on the side of the house

he grew up in the last generation of children who grew up in the village. his parents and the parents of his friends all worked to send their children out of the country; away from the life of the struggling farmer to seek new fortunes and opportunities. their hopes and aspirations, not much different from parents in the city and those of immigrants parents in the u.s., but with a different consequence. the countryside is void of young people. all that is left are aging seniors wishing and praying their children will visit or call.

river in the winter with view of closed middle school

local closed elementary school and view of valley in spring

local church filled with seniors

sung kook is the youngest in his family, proceeded by first his sister and then his brother. his sister seems estranged from the family, deciding to live away alone without much contact with the family. this has created a void the void my mother-in-law, who whenever she sees me is filled with joy to share a mother-daughter relationship she lacks with her own child. sung kook is affectionately loved by all the aunties in his family.

sung kook's paternal aunt...right before this picture she was literally squeezing his cheeks.

sung kook is adored by his father, who until just a few years ago before suffering a head injury sustained at the local bathhouse, was a provincial representative. he calls sung kook twice sometime three times a week...and when he knows we're coming to visit more often. he misses his son dearly and wishes he could be closer. sung kook use to fear of his father as a child, but now that fear has turned to respect. perhaps it's the frailty he sees, perhaps he sees his father's life as sacrifice for a larger purpose; similar to some PK's.

sung kook is not the man i ever thought i would fall in love with and give up ideals against the establishment of marriage. he's 7 years my junior, a thin but muscular man, who wears pink shirts with scarves around his neck and can't dance. it hurts my feelings to watch him dance. he's only a couple of inches taller than me and i can barely fit his jeans past my hips.

i'll stop here and write more later...so you don't have to sit reading for too long...

week 21

2008-06-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

i can't believe it but we're over half way done baking this baby...and i look down and swear i'm not much bigger than the day before...then i take a picture and am completely shocked! let me know what you think.

i've got a few more pictures and stories to update and i SWEAR i will do them this weekend, but for now here's two to wet your appetite...

wow!

what's the beef?

2008-06-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

i had certain things on my mind as of late that have provided for some teeth grinding sleep. most of my dreams have been consumed by my job. my friend, H, once said he worked a straight 36 hours because he worked all day and then dreamt he was working all night then got up the next day and worked again till late. like ground hog's day. it's like a void i slip into every night. i figure the end of my work day (10 p.m.) is too close in proximity to my bedtime and thus, my conscious world that has lacked the time to digest, process, and rid it self of the stress of the workday, dominates my unconscious world.

i am not that bothered that i'm teaching english in my sleep. in fact, i've been able to figure out some taxing teaching dilemmas through my dreams. but what bothers me is the lingering irritation i feel everyday from my co-workers. they're is all american but one irish guy and a thaikyo-po. one is an korean adoptee, and all the american with the exception of the southern black woman and the taiwanese american are white mid-westerners. it should be needless to say they are all good people. they are nice and caring to each other. they are also full of sarcasm and running jokes keep the mood in the office during breaks entertaining. but everyday, at least one of them says the most incredible racist and elitist things that can seem very benign but are indeed very loaded and full of privilege.

i chose very early on to avoid these pitfalls of debate. their arrogant american ignorance is often stated with so much conviction that you know there is no point to providing another perspective by pointing out their stupidity. they, like many americans, don't consider themselves racist. in fact, they really like their asian american friends and if their liking/acceptance of the one black co-worker and their tenacity to survive in this god forbidden place called korea should be enough evidence that they are most liberal group of folks out there.

they admittedly say they are stupid than the average world citizen about history, (especially their history), politics (especially their own political system), and culture (especially the culture they share with a diverse group of immigrants and cultures in the u.s.). but that's not their fault. it's their education system but don't bother to try and expect them to have any tenacity to self-educate.

here are hard concrete examples: my co-workers refer to every single korean individual as they. just yesterday, my white female co-worker comes into the office complaining (said with so much bitterness in her tone) about how "this korean woman" (emphasizing the korean) stopped her in the street to tell her that she shouldn't jaywalk against the red light. she proceeded to say, "i just wanted to say, 'well then YOU should stop running red lights'. i should have told her about all the stupid things they pull off here everyday. how dare she tell me what to do." that one woman became every korean person in the world and represent all the stupid things they have seen individual things individual people do here. first of all - my co-workers logic is flawed...the woman wasn't in a car; she was a pedestrian. AND only one person. a person cannot be more than one. don't you teach english? that's simply grammar.

another favorite, "these stupid korean students." their one difficult student who isn't all that fond of learning english and are forced to attend this academy along with six others is unable to express themselves beyond one or two word responses, s/he is stupid.

food: "this is digusting. how can these people eat this crap." i mean, shit i miss the variety of food from the diversity of oakland/sf bay area's fine eating establishments, but this is not crap. nearly 70 million koreans around the world eat this "crap" everyday. i tired of the menu at work too, but i got tired of my menu at my last job back in america too.

"politically correct" - "god. why do people get so upset about being called indians? i guess it's not PC anymore. i'm sick of learning what to call people so i don't offend someone" when speaking about the reason indigenous americans no longer want to be referred to as indians. this is coming from the mouth of a very hardcore cleavdland indians fan and wears the red faced mascot sweatshirt nearly every week. thank god, summer's begun she can put that damn thing away.

i can do on and on and on and on and on. this is the one thing i dreaded about teaching at a english academy; i would be faced with racists idiocies everyday.

so, why bring this up now. well, there the issue of beef. there has been a month and half long daily candlelight vigil against the resumption of u.s. beef imports. it is sparked by the conservative president's g.w. bush-like-autocratic form of democratic governing for choosing to resume u.s. beef imports that were stopped a few years ago when there was a breakout of mad cow disease in the u.s. lee myung bak, is coming up on his 100th day in office and he hasn't pleased anyone yet. in fact he's pissed off a whole lot of folks by not backing down and refusing to renegotiate the beef import terms with the u.s. although nearly a million people around the country have marched out to voice their dissent against his decision.

his stance is reminiscent of g.w.'s stance against the overwhelming voice of the people against his war in iraq. the issue at hand is deeper than fear of mad cow disease of course. the opposition party has used fear to fuel a fire against mr. lee and his desire to quickly ratify the u.s.-korea FTA - the issue until now that most middle class south koreans have had a benignly neglectful attitude about. the protests have been meet with police barricades and use of water hoses, tear gas, and police brutality. violence has ensued several times putting demonstrators and police at harms way igniting more determination by the people to march in larger masses against the president. perhaps their fear of mad cow disease has morphed into a fear of the possibility of another g.w. bush or return to dictatorship like rule by the government.

the nightly candlelight vigils and marches has brought out millions that are culminating this week in commemoration to past victims of dictatorship rule and u.s. military occupation.
yesterday marked the anniversary of the death of a yonsei university student who was killed during pro-democracy demonstrations by a police tear gas can in 1987 and friday is the anniversary to the memorial of the death of two middle school girls run over and killed by u.s. military vehicles. this particular series of vigils was started by 4 middle school girls who eventually were joined by their supportive parents and then 100's of thousands. (side note: the power of youth and the how adults can be inspired to act).

check out these articles: http://english.hani.co.kr/arti/english_edition/e_national/292445.html
http://english.ohmynews.com/ArticleView/article_view.asp?menu=A11100&no=382820&rel_no=1&back_url=
http://news.naver.com/photo/read.php?mode=LTD&office_id=240&article_id=0000029377&section_id=102&view=all

i have been feeling a sense of restlessness because i haven't been able to join the protests. i have been unable to participate in democracy in action and instead have been merely a t.v. spectator. the last time i went out to protest the FTA here i was sprayed by water hoses, nearly trampled by the crowd being pushed back by violent baton wielding riot police and had to shower twice to remove all the tear gas out of my hair. although there have been many families coming out to protest, now that i'm 20 weeks pregnant, i've decided to stay away from the violence but can't help but wish i was out there. i feel like i could stay in the background nearly the "peaceful" sections of the demonstrations but riot police seem to be everywhere setting up blockades from every side.

i'm also constrained by my work schedule which starts around 2 p.m. ends at 10 p.m. by the time i get off work, i'm exhausted and my back hurts from the baby pushing back and out to make my way down to the vigil/march site. but i'm still regretful of that decision. what bothers me also is that i'm unable to go to the vigil/march because i'm teaching. and that would be fine, if the kids wanted to be there and actually put an effort to be there. but last night, my second class HATES being there. they HATE learning english. and yet i have to teach them. i hate teaching this crap they hate learning.

my desire to go is fueled by my co-workers who see the 1 million protesters as an annoyance - words that are not unfamiliar when used to describe anti-war and anti-WTO/FTA protests elsewhere. but those comments are peppered with, "these people are so stupid. they don't know anything about u.s. cows. they don't have mad cow disease; they can't die from it. i mean don't they know this will help them get cheaper beef." as well decimate the south korean farmer and cattle rancher. and yes, u.s. cows have been found to have mad cow disease and yes, unlike avian flu that is only transmitted by live birds, mad cow disease can cross the species barrier and kill the person who consumes it. their blind ignorance prevents them from hearing such rational and factual information. and the issue is deeper than mad cow disease. that is just the platform for protest against the president. i mean haven't seen democracy in action? oh...that's right...american style democracy is a vote that doesn't really count.

"i don't understand what's wrong with these people. there's nothing wrong with u.s. beef. i just wanted to go down there and tell them to stop being so stupid. i mean look at me. i'm fine."
well, if u.s. beef is going to turn me into the ignorant arrogant american you are, then i'll stick to my korean beef. and when i get home, my organically grown beef or just go vegetarian.

whew. i needed to get that off my chest.

a hostile take-over averted

2008-06-01T14:40:00.001-07:00

we went to our doctor's visit this week. it went very well. besides the long wait, which actually wasn't bad, things went splendid. the doctor suggested i start taking 10mg of iron everyday to supplement my on-the-low side levels of iron to avoid anemia. we agreed on the liquid form since i been dealing with heartburn. yuck.

she agreed to not use the ultrasound this visit but i agreed to take the blood test as the second step in the genetic testing. results back: every thing's fine. but next visit, we'll do the ultrasound as the last part of the testing, which should make us nearly 6 1/2 months.

i really like my doctor. she's really nice and doesn't push anything on me, which is what i was so fearful of from the beginning. she told me, they don't have statistics on the rate of cesarean operations at the hospital but they put it as a priority to have natural births. she said the only time they have reason to opt for c-section is when their is issue with the umbilical cord or the baby is breach. hmmm. still wary but staying optimistic.

while i stepped into the examining area, (each doctor has their own office attached to an examining area) to check the baby's heartbeat...sung kook tried to get the doctor to tell him the sex of the child. but his sly coup d'état failed. the doc gave him up when she said at the next visit she would let him know the answer to his question. i don't really care either way, but it's fun to see sung kook struggling to try to figure out how he can find out the sex of th baby. i'm really glad he can't read english well enough to understand this...btw.

week 17

2008-05-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

so, things have been progressing very well with baby. one of my kids said that i should name her "liz suk II". she is one of my 10 year old students, who gives me a choco pie every week. and i took a poll of my current students and there is an overwhelming 74% who think the baby will be a boy. i got three who wrote down: 1/2 boy and 1/2 girls...and one student cleverly wrote four choices, the first three he crossed out and are presented here in that order: boy/girl, alive, human, boy.

the debate between sung kook and i on whether or not we would find out the sex of the child this month was settled with me defeating him 2/3 in roe-sham-bo. we will not find out the sex until baby is born. but sung kook looked like he was planning a hostile take over...i'll have to be ready to defend my hard earned win. (said with a dry tone of sarcasm).

we pushed our latest doctor's appointment a week, because i wasn't feeling very well...so we'll see what happens next wednesday.

it is now very noticeable that i am pregnant. my baby bump no longer resembles as pot belly. i continue to go to the aqua-aerobics class at least once a week to keep up my energy up and stay in shape. another pregnant woman joined the class and she looked a few weeks or maybe even a month ahead of me. i felt like i was in a race. i saw her bulging belly and thought, "i want my belly to be that big." i don't know why. i'm enjoying the pace i'm growing at and all the developments along the way. although there are some days when i feel like the bump is bigger the day before. i figure it's gas. constipation is a problem about once a week. other times i think it's the position the baby is laying.

anywho, here's the latest profile pix of my belly:

not so happy in the second pix...my hubbie is not so talented at take a photo. i mean come on, it's just straight ahead and i'm only in one position. point and click, baby. doesn't one look bigger than the other? i don't know. it's probably the way the pix is framed.

hugs.

"i" statements

2008-05-17T03:13:00.001-07:00

i realized i need to learn how to say "i" statements in korean. when trying to explain how i feel about how something he has done effects me, it comes off very accusatory rather than a true interpretation of my feelings.

it seems the only way i learned to express my feelings are one i learned in my house from my parents, where everything is accusatory. i'm having to unlearn some really bad habits that were acquired at the roots of my knowledge of korean language. honestly, i'm daunted by the task of learning korean. there are so many nuanced factors that i had not considered prior to taking on this adventure.

quickening

2008-05-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

so i just began my 16th week and this past weekend i began to feel the baby. she (i'll call her she for now, since we're uncertain of the sex yet) is moving all the time. most of the time it feels like butterflies in my stomach, like right before i go on stage and then sometimes my belly hardens on one particular spot and then moves across my belly to the other side. sung kook was thrilled and so excited when he saw/felt this. sometimes when i'm doing a particular yoga pose, where i am upside down on my head leaning against the wall she goes nuts and i can't go for very long because it tickles so much. i'm supposed to be relaxed and calm and instead i turn into a ball of giggles. i'm uncertain if she developed a personality yet, but i hope this is her being silly.

sexy cat

2008-05-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

here's yhangmal trying to be sexy...

wanna join me here on my lovely blue blanket?

come on...take a look at my lovely gams

the source

2008-05-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

since the beginning of the pregnancy i've been having odd dreams. i had heard that many women experience this phenomenon and wasn't surprised when it began for me but last night/this morning i woke to a startling realization - i was wandering in my unconscious to places in my mind and my body where i was holding onto trauma and past pain. i've been storing pain that i didn't realize i was holding onto, pain i thought i had let go of in my own clinical consultations with my clinical supervisor from work or through my own personal therapy sessions.

i woke up in tears this morning and cried uncontrollably for about an hour this morning. i dreamt about past clients who either cut our work short as a result of circumstance or choice. i woke up to this pain of guilt in my chest that was tearing at my heart. i couldn't get their faces or their stories out of my mind's eye. i had always rationalized our abrupt end to our relationships to a few factors, factors we learned in school or through experience: 1) the client always has choice, 2) circumstances didn't allow for counseling or therapy to be a priority (sometimes paying the bills and keeping the kids feed seems more important than a few nightmares), 3) client willingness for change. all these factors are beyond my control, but i woke up to this guilt that i hadn't tried everything or that my lack of knowledge, experience, or perspective had kept me from properly reaching out to my clients.

that i'm driven now to learn korean with a deeper sense of purpose - or guilt. if i had just been able to communicate better with that korean mother....

perhaps it's my impending go at motherhood that has driven to this point. i woke up scared and overwhelmed with worry that i wouldn't be a good enough mother; that even if i tried my best, like i had with those clients, i would still fail. i began to understand why so many mothers asked me, "what do you know, do you have children?" i use to be offended by their searing judgment citing that i am a child survivor of domestic violence and that experience in and of itself should be enough to understand what is "best" for a child. damn, i was so arrogant.

i find myself incomprehensibly worried about my child's future. my mom was right, i'll know when i become a mother. i thought i knew the meaning of unconditional love, responsibility and commitment, but now i realized i just was scratching the surface of my purpose.

i'm realizing that each of my dreams recently have been taking me to a new neighborhood that are both new but familiar. i know i've never dreamt this place before but i'm not lost finding my way around. when i woke up this morning i realized that i've been going to places in my subconscious and in my body where my pain is stored; sometimes it's something that is very obvious and sometimes it just something not so deep. but sometimes it's like last night - i'm left in tears.

but after that good cry i left a sense of relief. i don't know if this will translate into less physical pain but it seems like the dreams are taking me to the source of my pain.

but suffice to say, everyone, including myself, said korea would be a life changing experience...

thus far...

2008-04-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

i have battle a little bit of a swollen thyroid this week and haven't been up for updating much and have only had a sideview stare at my laptop while laying down in bed in the mornings. although yesterday i did manage to escape outside for stroll in olympic park because i couldn't fathom one more day with the incessant noise of construction going on next door.

the apartment residents are trying to get some compensation from the two construction companies that shoulder the two sides of the building and have successful won a $1000 equivalent settlement. but the elderly residents and the "younger" residents cannot decide whether to receive the settlement right now or hold out for more accountability. the grandpops and grandmas want the money now, because they've seen a lifetime of disappointment and want a little comfort now to ease their immediate financial problems and don't want to die before they see the resolution. the "younger" folks see the rest of their lives and their children's lives filled with potential medical problems from the stress and the dust/chemicals that they will not receive compensation for later if they settle now.

the conundrum as sung kook puts is "it's all about the god damn money" (his best english to date, btw). so, we will continue to live with this until we leave...which is probably when the construction finally f-ing ends. ugh...so i spend my days running around trying to occupying my time to get away from the noise.

since my last post of my ultrasound video, i have thought much about the "struggle" with my health care providers. i have decided to take a more relaxed approach rather than one based on my fears and insecurities. i realized that my experiences at the doctors were being based on my past experience with u.s. doctors and although health care is generally marred with the same paternalistic attitudes internationally, i realized my fear was hindering me from hearing my doctor's concerns. i believe my doctor genuine has concerns for both my and my baby's well-being. i just need the best information i have and i know that after my last visit, although it may be unsettling to her, she will abide by my wishes.

i have had to realize that sung kook's very trusting of the medical system here and this is a cultural difference with authority and herd mentality. sung kook's arguments are, "doctor's know more" and "everyone does it." both very korean mentalities, but i have to say just take a different form here than in the u.s. in the u.s. it's more benign neglect and privilege that null people into complacency ; here folks just dont' wanna ruffle the authorities, until their comfortable lives are messed with, which is becoming more and more comfortable for folks.

i started an aqua-aerobics class last week. it's fun and isn't so rough on my body. i'm exhausted by the end of the day and it's been a little rough at night, my body is adjusting, but i'm hoping it gets easier as i keep going. i'm bouncing around in the pool with about 3 other women near my age and 50 grandmothers. they are adorable.

i'm getting ready to go to my class right now!

week 13 ultrasound

2008-04-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

13 weeks

2008-04-22T05:46:00.001-07:00

i was reminded today i need to post pictures of my growing baby bump. thanks T. so here is my week 13 picture. i still think it looks like i'm just getting fat but sung kook adores the bump.

update on "i hate soju and male privilege". i told my mother-in-law about the situation with sung kook's drinking and she railed into him, which led him to talking to me about what the drinking was symptomatic of: his insecurities. i'll suffice to say that he hasn't drank for two weeks and it has been much better. we've spend each night talking and it has been a relief. i still find myself frustrated by the plateau effect that occurred with my ability to absorb more korean quickly. so, we've agreed to commit taking the additional time to insure that we are not misunderstanding each other and to support my language barrier at the doctor's. we'll see how it goes tomorrow. we're gonna to tell the doctors that we don't the genetic testing.

technology divide

2008-04-13T19:46:00.001-07:00

i sent out an email to my girlfriends with children about the choices they made around prenatal genetic testing and i was swarmed with a series of the most encouraging emails. they shared their own experiences and encouraged me to stick to my instincts.

shout out to my GF's!

i hate soju and male privilege

2008-04-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

i cannot impress on you how much soju and male privilege are the demise of so many korean families. i have found myself staring down at the pit hole that so many korean women found themselves staring down into the same, some them didn't know what they were looking down at and some know and are faced with the question, "do i stay or do i leave?" this question leads to the next inevitable series of questions: "will he change? is it worth the pain to have a father for my children? how much can i put up with? when threats of leaving aren't working, should i follow through, this time?"

i'm asking those questions and there are no easy answers. even all the experience of my elder women in my family cannot answer the questions for me. i have to weigh my own life out but i know for sure i will not spend one more night waiting for my man to come home from drinking again.

faster than we thought

2008-04-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

sung kook and i went to our second doctor's visit and found out we are 10 weeks along instead of the 8 the first doctor told us. it was a better visit and the doctor asked all the questions you expect. but i ran into an expected frustration when the question about other conditions and disease came up. the doctor had no knowledge about fibromyaglia and rather than take the time to ask me about it, he just wanted to move on. sung kook wanted to avoid spending the doctor's time trying to translate something he doesn't know how to translate and i was left feeling left out of the loop. and mostly, i felt stupid.

i could tell the doctor wanted to help, but having never been faced with a patient who couldn't understand or speak a complex level of korean, he didn't know what to do. "this is what immigrants feel," i thought. he asked me to bring my medical records from the u.s. to better help him though. this gave me the feeling he believed me and wanted to help; a glimmer of hope amidst such dim emotions.

we saw the ultrasound and found out we were 10 weeks along. that's why i'm already getting the potbelly. we heard the heartbeat and it was amazing. just amazing.

sung kook found the relief he was looking for when the questions he had for the doctor were all answered. in contrast, while i waited for to be seen to have my blood drawn, i went to the bathroom and cried. i tried to let him have his moment. but afterwards, i couldn't shake the feelings. damn these hormones.

so rather than go back to the house and mope around, we rode the subway to the end and went to Oido. a little island on the west coast. we ate yummy food and walk around the pier where vendors were selling their catch, grilling up and stewing inside the shells of some the shellfish. we didn't bring a camera, except for our phones and the pictures aren't great quality, so i didn't bother posting.

i felt better to feel the seabreeze on my face and finally get out of the house so i could feel alive. but all the walking gave me a difficult night of sleeping and i feel so bad for sung kook who has to put up with my crying from the pain. i adore him for his brave choice to be my partner in spite of my pain.

why?

2008-03-24T21:07:00.001-07:00

i gotta talk to you. i've got some news. i'm having a baby.

yhangmal says..."why?"

because i've always wanted a baby and now i've found a good man...

"no. why are you bothering with this right now? i'm napping."

just thought you should know.
"alright i know, now leave me alone."

later that day.

"oh, btw, how is this baby thing gonna change my life? hmmm?"

typical. when you've got time, that's when we talk.

rain

2008-03-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

my mood today is like the rain. dreary and lacking all sense of creativity.

half decided on a name for the little one

2008-03-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

we decided we would not be one of the families that combine our two last names via hyphenation or otherwise for our baby. either combination is not cute.

yoo-suk

suk-yoo

say either one a few times...when you're feeling sad or sitting in traffic.

decision: one last name. yoo it is. my last name gave me too much grief growing up.

ducks

2008-03-17T21:22:00.001-07:00

oh...here's pictures of the duck's that sung kook's co-worker gave us as a wedding gift. it looks like the "blanket" was hand stitched. it's beautiful. i don't think the pictures do the work justice.

ducks are a traditional korean wedding gift usually presented by during the ceremony.

flash gordon...i'm that quick

2008-03-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

i'm so quick. so quick, in fact, i've taken at least a week to catch up with myself and write this and i think i'm still out of breath. some of you know and some of you don't, so here it is. i'm pregnant and sung kook and got legally married last week.

catch your breath....and come back.

according to the doctor we're about five weeks along or more. i was wondering why for about a month now, why i was so damn hungry all the time. but it wasn't until about two weeks ago that i had my full suspicions. i spent the most of the second class at work nauseous and dissatisfied with anything that went into my mouth but strangely ravenous and completely enamored with fruit. so, the day i missed my period i took the pregnancy test.

here are the results.

i didn't have to wait the required three minutes. it was instantaneous. like the thing was just made with two lines. so was the next two tests i took. i couldn't tell if i was having a wave of emotions or if i was going to hurl, so i just went and laid down next to sung kook and told him the news.

both our heads filled with thoughts immediately. mine with priorities like "will i have to go off the herbs? can i handle the pain? can i go to school now? what i do for childcare? i'll be left without any girlfriends to talk with...." sung kook was filled with what to do next. "marriage. now."

we both were happy and excited to share this child but also tentative about the next steps but what do we do next. sung kook wanted to have a wedding right away, before i started showing and i said that was impossible. my family and friends back home could not make it to korea on such short notice and i refuse to have a wedding without them. so, we settled on getting legally married first.

in korea it is called, 혼인싱고 hone-in-shing-go and there is no need for a civil service, just lots of forms and with my u.s. citizen status we have the additional work of reporting to the u.s. embassy. so, we went down and spent five hours going in and out of the embassy taking numbers, waiting in line, going through security, getting things filled out and signed and translated...and then we were married.

it was admittedly very anti-climatic. i was in a rush to get back to work and a lot nauseous and there was no one around to congratulate us. no we love you and we're here for you. just some guy outside the embassy willing to take our picture.

that's us holding up our wedding certificate. we're legal in the u.s. and korea.

we told our parents about the marriage and were given our congratulations via the phone. but we're holding on the baby news till next month. i'm sure my mom suspects already, but is waiting to for me to tell her in my time. she's really come around and is in full support of the marriage to sung kook. she even apologized for having thought the things she had given me a hard time about while she was here.

i went through the bag of emotions that week and now that i've stopped taking the herbs and can't receive any acupuncture for the pain, i've been trying to find ways to deal with all the emotions that have been flooding up in my chest.

i decided to postpone going to school. i was ready to take on the daunting task of school with herbs and other treatment, but now i don't want the undue stress and exhaustion. i've resigned to this and know this is for the best. i will not let this stop what i set out to do here in korea; it's just now i need to wait a little bit longer. in about a year, i will go to school and not work. between now and then, i'll do more self study.

sung kook and i went to the doctor this weekend and it was the quickest doctor's visit i've ever had and i have been to many doctors. it was literally five minutes. i don't know why there was insurance issues, no hmo presssures, no line of patients waiting. just not service oriented. but i know we're not going back to that hospital again. next week, we're going to the "happy hospital" where there are more women physicians and a more friendly environment. but we've got a quick peek at the growing little one and heard the heartbeat.

meet the little one.

s/he will be here around november 12, 2008.

my lower abdomen is hardening and the gas and heartburn kill me every night and the thought of gaining all that weight i lost back...but i'm happy. i feel like i'm right where i need to be.

blessings

2008-03-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

i had it out with my mom during the weekend. we fought, we yelled, we cried, we talked...she denied she talked to sung kook and i denied sung kook and i moved in together. so we both lied but we were able to break the facade that NOTHING was going, we were holding up otherwise. i felt some relief after. it must have been difficult for my mom but something she needed to hear, because the next day she called sung kook and gave him her blessing. she said she didn't want to see me upset and told sung kook to try to get married soon.

to say the least, sung kook was very happy. i felt terrible. i was happy for sung kook but i felt like the worst daughter ever. i know this is an exaggeration but i feel like i bullied my mom into conceding. i'm still a little bent out of shape over it but keeping up a good face otherwise.

one of my favorite classes

2008-02-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

here's some pix and video of one of my favorite classes from the last term. the boys were shy to take the picture and took a lot of coaxing while only one of the girls was shy at first but once i bribed her with a chocopie she complied immediately. kids are so easily pleased.

john (MS, grade 3), edward (MS, grade 2) and kevin (MS, grade 3)

Luna (H.S. grade 1, Jessica, MS, grade 2, Rebecca, MS, grade 3)

me at my desk

this is me punishing John for speaking too much Korean in class. he's doing some yoga poses.

john wrote the text he read on edward's cell phone from edward's gf...they celebrated 100 days recently. just in case you can't read the translation: why did you say I love you suddenly, by the way, when do you finish class? we teased him horribly for the entire class.

and i finally got the boys to uncover their faces...

i miss this class already.

by popular demand

2008-02-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

i have had a request to place more pix of sungkook and i...so here they are. 4 months of romance. we're always eating...yummy fun.

home for the weekend

2008-02-25T15:59:00.000-08:00

note: all the photos taken were with my point and shoot canon powershot sd550. i forgot the battery to my 30d sitting recharging in seoul.

we went to sung kook's parent's home this weekend. i was very excited to go; i had looked forward to it for weeks. his father called every few days asking when i would visit for nearly three weeks. we proposed going to the jimjilbang together, talk stories and me scrub sung kook's mom's back in the bathhouse.

a few days prior, sung kook caught a cold and was still recovering and although he was no longer feverish and achy, he was still very tired. but he had been looking forward to meeting with his childhood friend, soo hyung, a few days prior to the weekend. they recently had reconnected after spending the last couple of years suffering separately over the death of their friend. soo hyng had even ran away to india for 6 months thinking she would find healing there and came home unfulfilled.

we sat up for several hours talking. she told me some stories about sung kook and we had a few laughs at his expense. their memories of their childhood were so different from mine. having grown up worlds apart. they were from a small village with innocent eyes barely marred by the trite comings and goings of more urban kids; their lives absent of video games and computers and only filled with sharing their lunch food with a friend who forgot his at home after walking two hours to the school and sneaking into the strawberry patch, giggling and worrying if the farmer would be upset with them, and thinking that 500 meters was a long distance between their houses.

but those memories bled into the pain they both tried to avoid - the memory of their friend. soo hyung felt open enough to talk openly to me about her pain. i was touched. her pain was so pure and honest. she was obviously in pain and lonely but seemed to be at a crossroads, ready to make the journey for the freedom from her pain. i hope we can see more of her soon. she's so refreshing and open.

on saturday, sung kook and i took a bus down to sung kook's parent's again and arrived at 2 a.m. we tried to fall asleep right away but his mom seemed so excited to see us that she wanted to sit up and talk. so, we shared tea and strawberries for a few minutes. sung kook told me later that while i got up to go to the restroom his mom watched me with a smile on her face - obviously happy to see me. it was so sweet to hear.

the next morning we slept till late morning and went for a drive with his parent's truck after eating breakfast. we went to visit his deceased friend, seung hwang. we stayed only briefly. i could feel the pain that lay in sung kook's chest, heavy and aching, full of regrets. it filled the room and lay thick all around us, almost choking us. i tried to stay calm and before the storm of emotion could overwhelm him, he pulled on my arm to leave.

this is us outside the mortuary overlooking the river valley. a nice place to rest.

after the drive we went back to the house and slept. again. we woke up and it was time to go home. i admittedly was a little annoyed. i had looked forward to this weekend for awhile and all we did was sleep. but i must have been tired too because i slept like a rock.

his mom packed nearly two bags full of food for us to take home. fresh strawberries ...oranges...and so many yummy side dishes. i feel like we paid the bus and train ride to just go grocery shopping. we left the promise we would return again to spend more time; i would arrive earlier than sung kook now that my work schedule will allow saturdays off. i will go down on friday night and spend saturday with his mother.

this is outside the front door of their house. the sun preparing to set over the horizon. and their dog who did a dance for me.

we drove out to the small bus station that was still a twenty minute drive away from his parent's house and twenty minutes to the big city. it was a nice drive. i saw small villages scattered through the foothills of the mountains and imagined taking photos of the blooming spring at our next visit. the town was small, only a few blocks long but which was still few blocks longer than sung kook's village. here's the bus station.

the bus ride only cost $2. the simple life.

i wondered for a moment if i could live there. this small quaint town. a life unknown to me. quiet and slow. perhaps i could finally find complete healing there. i roamed in the romantic notion for several minutes; spending my lifetime in this small town contemplating all the things i "gave up" to live there; the children and families i would meet; the stories i would create living there. an alternative reality i wondered if i had the courage to really explore.

then we came back to the bustling capital city via the KTX bullet train and made our way through the crowds on the subway to our neighborhood market to enjoy some noodles. cheap, quick and even heated seating.

nice way to end the evening.

night out with da gurls

2008-02-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

saturday night was a long time waiting...the four of us, talia (teacher from georgia), sunny (korean/australian), and yun sue (assistant director), to hang out. the women of color in the teachers office at the academy...we were ripe to talk some smack about our shared boiling point of white privilege of the other teachers. and we all just wanted to eat, drink and enjoy each other.

it was tons of fun. i drank of whole lot. i think for every one they each drank i drank three. i was cool though. got home okay but spent the next day recovering - sleeping. or trying to. sundays are the only full day sung kook and i have with each other, so some time by the afternoon, we went to watch a movie. it was a korean movie about the 2004 korea women's handball olympic team win of the silver medal. it was so inspiring and well made. you never hear about the second place winners.

anyways, we had good eats and good drinks and definitely lots of laughs.

yun sue used my camera to take a picture of the remaining three of us...so, when sunny sends me pictures from her camera, you'll get to meet yun sue.

oatmeal cookies...

2008-02-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

i've been craving oatmeal cookies and to be more specificly oatmeal raisin cookies. they are nowhere to be found in seoul except at the u.s. army bases, which is something i will not patronize. so, i am stuck with adding it to my list of foods i will eat for five days straight when i get home. apparently koreans are told they don't like soft cookies made of oatmeal and now i have chosen to live here and thus live without. boo hoo.

i'm sure the following list will not taste as good as i have been imagining after pawning for it for two years and will be sorely disappointed by that first taste. NAH!!!! i don't really believe that because my list is the ultimate list.

pho
lao sausages
tacos from the taco truck
oatmeal cookie
speciality #10 sandwich at genovas
anything ethopian
endless supplies of makers mark, bookers, or woodford's

please feel free to remind of those foods i have neglected to add.

new digs

2008-02-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

i moved in with sung kook this weekend. it's a clean and bright. there's some new changes we'll make to the place, like buying and rearranging the furniture but other than that i feel right at home already.

yhangmal took a few days to settle in but she's enjoying the larger space and has even lost some weight as a result. we're just a five minute walk to the sauna/jimjilbang and we spent a few hours there last night relaxing and people watching. there were so many people it seemed like an ant hill all dolled in pink and blue robes indicating your gender...you guess which is which.

will update with pictures tonight.

circle of life

2008-02-08T14:38:00.001-08:00

you know how the basic premise in the lion king is the simba loses himself in a jungle and comes back and takes his father's place...well my life has become a lion king/korean tv drama.

my mom has become my grandmother. she is trying to put salt all over my budding relationship with sung kook.

while my mother was still here, i asked sung kook to take my mother to the herbalist again while i went to work. he obliged gladly, excited at the opportunity to please his future mother-in-law. he took my mother to the herbalist, and as i expected he took good care of my mother, insuring she got all the things she needed at a good price, suggested some other things she would like as well as paying for it all, which my mom took very willing.

i have always said my mother is a little selfish although sometimes i will put a nice spin on it and call it resourceful, but in all truthfulness, she is always looking out for herself. it upsets me how she sometimes goes about it, but she's always hustling. and she hustled sung kook. she got what she wanted from him, then sat him down and bitch slapped him (metaphorically of course).

she sat him down for two and half hours and told him how he wasn't good enough for me. that because he had not graduated from college that i'll always have to carry him on my back and she didn't want that kind of burden on me. she told him that his apartment wasn't large enough and his job wasn't sufficient enough to support me; that i deserved better. that as much as she respects farmers, her daughter deserved better. she took her dagger and drove it straight into my man heart. in one quick swoop she came and tore absolutely everything beautiful about my man and shit all over him. she acted like a dirty little pigeon-always feeding off everyone and just shitting on everything.

i can't tell you the shame i feel.

and yet, sung kook still won't say a bad thing about my mom. rather than blame her and tell me my mom's crazy, he told me he understood why she had done what she had done. that as a mom she was worried about me and wanted the best for me. he even after taking such a tongue lashing still asked if my mom hadn't gotten to the airport safely.

i realized that all the things and apprehension about our ability to cope with the inevitable trials that face us ahead, were in vain because we communicate with each other. we listen and discussed how to deal with the situation and will move forward together. he could have chosen not to tell me or even come back and directed his anger towards me but he didn't. he talked open and honestly about his pain and we decided together the best course of action.

sung kook is what i've been waiting for.

but it's decided. my mom is crazy. i decided that she's selfish and the only reason she is telling him all those things are out of pure self-perservation. she's worried she won't be comfortable living with his small income or the bare the embarassment of telling her friends he didn't graduate from college.

i'm still angry about the situation and haven't resolved many of my feelings about the situation. so perhaps soon i'll post an update on the matter in a better mood.

forgot to mention

2008-02-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

so, i was interviewed about a year ago, while working with shimtuh about the issue of domestic violence and children for koream journal. they finally got to printing the article for, i believe their january issue. they ran out of room in that issue to print the poem i wrote and read for shimtuh's 2006 october event, but decided to print it in the february issue.

unfortunately, they got in touch with me too close to the deadline we weren't able to use the artwork tommy created that we used at the original performance. i'm in talks with them to figure out a series about my stay in korea, which seem to appeal to the senior editor, julie ha. maybe we can finally have koream journal be filled with something more substantial....

pitch me your ideas so i can start writing.

oh and check out the february issue for my poem.

going out in style part 2

2008-02-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

continued...

we arrived at the crematory. we waited for our room to be prepared and the family was then ushered into a small room with a large bay window about 8 feet tall with closed blinds opposite of the door and a tv monitor resting above it. there were a row of seats lining the wall of the door making an "L-shape" on the adjacsent wall. in front of the window was a square platform functioning as mat for bowing at the altar that lay between it and the window.

only family was allowed into this room. there seemed to be a thick heavy air that filled the entire place, with mourners in adjascent rooms performing similar rituals. buddhist chants and soft crying and sobbing could be heard throughout the building. we all were sharing the same grief joined together by the same experience of death but income dictating the extent and extravagance. even in death, class place a roll.

the blinds were opened to show us our grandmothers casket. it was covered in a heavy velvet black cloth. my aunt, my grandmother's eldest child, began to cry aloud. my eldest uncle, placed his hand on the window, his chest heaving from the silent tears. my youngest uncle hid somewhere behind his son who had taken the burden of caring for all the funeral arrangements and the future annual memorials services. i stood in the back near the door, close to the daughter-in-laws and the other cousins.

then the blinds closed. above on the tv monitor the video of my grandmother's casket at the door to a crematory furnace was flicked on. we all raised our heads to watch. all except my eldest, who turned his face into the wall and cried out for his mother in a soft voice, "uhm-ma 엄마". he hid his face as my aunt began crying loudly for her mother. tears filled the room.

i never saw my uncle in pain before. i am sure he had cried sometime in his lifetime, but he only allowed his wife to see what he probably saw a weakness. it broke my heart.

there seemed to be such a finality to process - watching the casket enter a furnace. but there was still a two hour wait ahead of us. my aunt sat around in the room and talked stories about her mother and father; she being the oldest had the longest memory and most accurate memory. she talked about how her mother laid her body in front of the north korean guns that were pointed at her husband. how she begged the solider to take her life instead of her husbands, because what would she as a woman have left if he took her husband. she would have nothing. and she had nothing after that point. my aunt talked about the sacrafice my grandmother made to feed and care for her children. my aunt becoming the mother of her siblings at 15 years old, giving up her opportunity to go to school.

after two hours we were ushered to another viewing room where we watched my grandmother's ashes poured into her urn. my aunt laid her hands on the urn. the urn was then wrapped in a white cloth and we loaded up to go lay my grandmother at the cementary.

we arrive at a building filled with urns laid in glass encasements outline with silk flowers and pictures; the size of the glass encasements varied by price. some were reserved and we found an empty one in the row of where the catholics were laid. we watched as they placed charcoal in the urn to prevent moisture and seal it then placed in the glass encasement.

between all the steps we performed bowing and altar rituals.

we all went downstairs and ate together. the mood lightening a little as the men began to drink soju. our day finally over.

going out in style part one

2008-01-31T21:33:00.000-08:00

last tuesday, i got a phone call from my eldest uncle's wife at 9:30 a.m. with a somber tone telling me my maternal grandmother had passed that morning and asking if i would be willing to call my mom with the news.

i called my mom immediately. she answered in the same tone she always does; she was excited to hear from her daughter. "unnnhhh. my daughter."

"i have bad news."

there's no good way to say such horrible news. your mother has passed away. i spent nearly a month in 2006 telling people horrible news. it's hard hearing the news; it's hard telling it.

she began weeping immediately. a grown woman in her mid-60's crying out for her mother. "ahm-ma 엄마." it broke my heart to hear her cry with so much pain, sorrow and regret. she had been estraigned from her mother for a long time. the distance across the pacific ocean only kept them from tearing each other apart and allowed them to draw a thick veil of truth over their eyes - they nearly despised each other. my grandmother only loved her boys and she was always ready to let everyone know that her daughters were worthless and my mother hated being scorned by her mother.

and yet, she cried. she wept the way i wept when i lost my mom in kmart when i was 3 years old. i told her grandmother died with no pain. she was 93 years old. she had been waiting to die for nearly 50 years and she finally could pass on to be with her husband who died during the war. i told her i would go in her place to the funeral services. she seemed to be consoled by this assurance and we began to figure out flight plans for her arrival to korea. she would inevitably miss the wake and the cremation services.

i spent the next three hours between my classes trying to find a good flight for her and make arrangements with my academy to take some time off. the director was very accommodating even offering me an envelope. after my last class, i headed out to the wake where the elders in my family were gathered.

the wake was held at a hospital, which is very common practice in large cities in korea. the area is set in the basement and there are rooms of varying sizes to accommodate income and size of family and guests. the hospital is where my eldest uncle had worked for many years and the morgue is where my youngest cousin currently works.

my grandmother had the largest room with a private resting room (shower and bed included) with a long row of oversized bouquets of white flowers from various family members and acquaintances of the family and a large dining area for guest to eat and drink and gather. i walked in and went immediately to my eldest uncle and greeted my cousins and auntie. they were all shocked to see me. we all felt terrible having to greet them for the first time in korea in this place. i couldn't speak truthfully in this place and say i was afraid to calling for fear they would reject me, the way my aunt had done in the summer.

i turned to pay my respects to my grandmother and since i went as my mother's proxy i nearly sat at the alter and prayed; my mom having spent the majority of her life in the u.s. and christian would have refused to perform the traditional korean bowing. i told my grandmother i came in my mother's stead and my mother was sorry she could not be here sooner. i cried for my mother. it seemed all my mom's pain was pouring across the space and time and laying themselves out in front of her mother. a generation removed and i'm still impacted by my grandmother's power and spite. i knew what it meant to be scorned for being a girl. but i wasn't allowed to spend much more time laying my childhood burdens and scars as penance for my mother's absense and was ushered to eat dinner.

still teary eyed i ate dinner quietly.

my eldest uncle told me i should go home for the evening since i had an early morning class i could not find a substitute for and left with the promise to return the next day in the afternoon. my male cousin walked me to the subway station. he spoke very quickly and in such a mumbled manner and i think i only understood about 60% of what he said to me. he was thrilled to see me and wanting to keep in touch more often. i told him i would return tomorrow and we parted.

i went home somber. when i returned to my apartment, sung kook passed out drunk and couldn't open the door for me, so i slept on my friend's floor that night. lucky for sung kook i would not see him for several days.

i returned the next afternoon and waited around for nearly 10 hours. mostly meeting relatives i had never heard about and listening to the same descriptions of what they remember about my brothers and me. john - quiet and solemn, ralph - always riding his skateboard and joking around, me - smart. everyone shocked by my age and advising me to marry soon.

guest poured through the entire day and were still arriving when i left at 10:30 p.m. friends, relatives, co-workers, old neighbors and acquaintences of both my grandmother and all my relatives. it was amazing. nearly 500 people in all over 2.5 days.

i spent some of my time entertaining my cousin's children. here some pictures of our fun. i spent time talking with my aunt, who seemed to forgotten she didn't want to talk to me. she gave me my female cousin's phone number and i immediately called. it seemed like old times; us teenagers holding hands running to the corner store together to buy ice cream. now, we're old, she said. i corrected her - we're older. we promised to meet often.

the next morning, i met my oldest male cousin, who quickly offered me his business card to his skin clinic. freckles - not so cute in korea. and my female cousin who i had talked on the phone with the day before arrived. it seemed like ten years hadn't passed between us and we were always living near each other.

we performed one more ritual memorial before loading my grandmother into the hearst.my uncles and my male cousin accompanied her while the rest of us loaded up in buses and drove to the crematory. apparrently, she rode in one of only five limousine hearst in korea. she went out in style.

new round

2008-01-29T06:17:00.000-08:00

i went through a month of herbal medicine and i have made a tremendous improvement. my mom says she can see it on my face; i don't carry a look of pain on my face everywhere. but since i'm not fully healed yet, i went back for another round of herbs. my first visit i didn't take any pictures but here's a few from a visit with my mom.

the herbalist is great. he's been practicing for over 30 years and have been at the current spot for 20. after the first round, i went from a daily 8 to a 2-3 on a scale of 1-10 (10 = i can't make it out of bed even if the world is in flames and the apocalypse arrived and 1 = i can skip and jump up and down the road). i have had even completely pain free hours. i know hours doesn't seem like much, but it is vast for me.

so, beginning tomorrow i will go to the acupuncturist and see if that will help speed the process along.

gained a whole lot...

2008-01-28T06:24:00.001-08:00

of family that is.

growing up in the u.s. with immigrant parents and with absolutely no relatives around, i always wondered what i was missing. as a result of my grandmother's passing, i figured it out - a whole lot of drama.

yes, there's a lot of love and mutual concern, but there is a whole lot of bitterness and spite rolled in there. i don't want to be cynical but i'm learning what having relatives around can mean. this of course is a much too simple explanation for matters and must be tempered with context, such as, patriarchy and the korean war.

my grandfather was taken and killed by north korean soldiers and my grandmother because of patriarchy dealt with so many burdens of being a single mother; left with no home and manner of providing for her for surviving children. she not only lost an infant child and husband to the war, she lost much of her dignity and pride which laid the seeds for her infamous bitterness and mean spirit.

mixed in with the unresolved issues of violent war traumas and its aftermaths, is the male dominance and privilege. i listened to all her children, grandchildren, nephews, nieces and others all tell stories about how she scorned and chastised the girls and blindly loved and adored the boys. boys can do no wrong in her eyes, even when they are sloppy drunks with failing livers, diabetes and heart disease beating their wives and children. to my grandmother they were angels. she could never fault the males in the family for anything, except perhaps for not putting her first.

imagine the joy that brought to the lives of her two daughters-in-law and the bickering it brought between them and their husbands. boys who could do no wrong being challenged to be kinder, gentler, and more loving by their wives. humph, how dare they.

the rifts caused siblings to live worlds apart, in different continents even within the boundaries of the same tiny country. my cousins and i talked about how they didn't know the other existed until they were nearly into middle school.

i held such lofty illusions of filial piety (even for all its patriarchal disgusts) while growing up away from relatives. i don't know if they are completely dismantled though even after this week cuz i think i still hope and wish i can live differently; that my generation and can hold and carry the torch of those values that give people a bond, meaning, and identity.

we'll see. my cousins and i say we'll get together.

here's pictures of my mom with her siblings (from left to right: eldest to youngest), all together in one spot for the first time in nearly 18 years. even times my mother had returned to korea in the past they could never all be in the same room together because of my grandmother's bickering, but she brought them together by giving birth to each and she brought them together in her death. (cue the lion king circle of life music...)

this was the first time a fight didn't erupt ironically cuz my grandmother was not present, cuz usually when the jung clan get together fireballs fly destroying everything around them as they transform into dragons and wage war against each other.

but old age, disease and my grandmother's passing has nulled their spirits to just be civil with each other and pose of their daughter/niece's hobby of taking pictures.

i have many other thoughts about the funeral, including its proceedings, but i'll save your attention span for another day. perhaps tomorrow or the next day.

passings

2008-01-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

my grandmother passed away this morning. i will go in my mother's stead to perform the funeral services. she will arrive in the next few days.

my mother is so sad. it breaks my heart to her weep.

send any prayers for me to help my mom through this difficult time.

grade: 100

2008-01-21T14:33:00.000-08:00

i've reached a point in my stay where i feel like, my ability in english is only relegated to the world of teaching elementary/middle school esl students...i don't have anymore skill at writing with prose or poise. forgive my ineptness.

sung kook and i met up after work on saturday evening at a subway transfer point and rode together to the express bus terminal. we bought our tickets then grabbed a quick dinner. unfortunately, we were left with a bad taste in our mouths when as we were paying we saw the woman in the kitchen dump old half eaten bowls rice with her bare hands into a pot of boiling soup for another customer...the same soup we just finished eating. it was a little more than foul. but luckily we didn't have time to savor the nasty taste and hopped on our bus.

it was a four hour bus ride to kwangju 광주, roger's parent's hometown, and biggest city in the 절라도 jallado province, the south western region of the corean peninsula. his older brother (who, by the way, is younger than me; in fact i'm older than sung kook's older sister too) picked us up. it was pretty late and having woke up from an awkward sleep on the bus, i was less than talkative, but his brother was even less engaging than i, so my silence didn't seem odd.

after a 40 minute ride further into the mountains we arrived in 곡성, kok sung, a tiny little town that if you blinked your eyes you would miss. it only had a smattering of houses with a post office, a brand new health clinic, and a church surrounded by small patches of farmland. there is an old middle school and an elementary school both closed, with their skeletal buildings decaying without enough young people to fill them. a town of old folks.

sung kook mom was waiting for us even though it was past 2 a.m. she made us a quick bite to eat and offered me flowery pajamas to sleep in. i was still a little nervous and groggy so i was worried i was coming off rude. and as we waited to eat, sung kook pulled out his high school graduating class yearbook. i don't know why i was so shocked, but when i read 2000 on the cover, i had to laugh. shiiiiit.

damn. rocking the cradle.

i said, "do you know when i graduated high school?"

we went to sleep in his old bedroom which his mom had redecorated with new wallpaper. at first, i was little nervous. i asked, "is it ok that we sleep together?" but it was so quiet and comfortable; i slept so well that evening that when i woke the next morning i had no pain.

i got up and helped sung kook's mom prepare breakfast. she clearly seemed uncomfortable with me there at first but then eventually seemed to enjoy having someone in the kitchen. according to sung kook, his older sister and sister-in-law don't help much. sung kook helps his mom and since i really wanted her to like me, i took the spatula from her to cook some food she put onto the pan. since, she never assumed i would or should, i wanted to help her more.

i met sung kook's dad at breakfast but he didn't speak a word to me, which was fine by me. but by the end of the day i think he liked me as well. in his way offering his blessing of our engagement when he talked to sung kook when we left later that day.

after lounging around for a little bit, sung kook and i went to church. (yes, church.) it was a tiny little church and there were only about 25 members. i couldn't hear much since we arrived a little late and sat in the back right next to the old noisy heater. immediately following the service we were surrounded by several grandmothers who were excited to see sung kook and curious about me. later, i heard they thought sung kook was pretty than me...that thought that was hilirious.

we left soon after sung kook greeted the mother of his friend who had passed away about two years ago. she didn't say anything but held his hand and looked out the window. she had only recently began attending church. she seemed saddened by my presence; wishing for a daughter in law she will never have. we left a little heavy hearted.

(me with the weird one eye...argh)
after going back to the house, sung kook and took a walk to visit his grandparents' grave and his parent's future burial site. the hills were scattered with graves surrounding the town. as we walked around the foothills of the mountains, sung kook told me stories of childhood mischief and country games he played with his friends.

it began to rain so we went back to the house and fell asleep. when we woke up we sat around with sung kook's mom talking stories. she enjoyed listening to my silly stories and i had fun making her laugh. she is the kindest person i have ever met; she has nothing negative to say about anyone. she has such a gentle comforting spirit. the epitome of what i think being a christian should be; not professing of love but acting it.

as we were preparing to leave i gave his parents hugs. he's father couldn't stop smiling as we drove away. i think he really liked me too.

sung kook told me last night that his mom really likes me. grade: 100 to be exact. i got an A+ . she can't wait for me to visit again. i suggested we go to the jim jil bang/sauna together. sung kook thinks his mom will like that.

new development

2008-01-15T23:12:00.001-08:00

i came home a little sick yesterday. ok, a lot sick. i threw up after my second class. in fact, i barely made it to the bathroom. i would be just my luck too that i happen to throw up in the toilet that decides to back up. so, sick and nausea i would left to plunge a backed up toliet. as the fever began to set in, the assistant director made arrangements with the other teachers for me to go home early so my second class would be covered.

i slipped immediately into bed and fell into a very deep sleep. i woke up a few hours later, achy and wondering what time it was but fell right back to sleep. i feel back asleep wondering why my boyfriend hadn't made it over yet.

he called around ten o'clock saying, "just listen. put on your glasses." it took a moment for me to find them but when i did he told me to go to the window and look out. i opened the window and found him standing out in front of the building holding a bunch of balloons. as two floated up past my third floor window, i turned to grabbed my jacket and headed downstairs.

i found balloons tied to the stair railing as i went down and found sung kook in front holding the balloons. he looked so nervous but excited. he hands me the balloons and pulls out a sign. after first i had to turn my head upside down to try and read it. in his nervousness, he had pulled out the sign upside down but after his initial embarrassment he straightened it out, it read, "elizabeth grace suk marry me?"

i said, "of course."

as i hugged and kissed him, i found his cold hands and imagined him carrying the bunch of balloons through the streets of seoul. hands frozen rushing to get over to my place to carry out his proposal.

knowing i don't care for those things, he opted for no ring and that makes it all the more endearing to me. we'll buy rings together.

now...pick up your jaw off the floor...and call lily. she predicted it. almost two years ago when i told her about my plans to come to korea at king pho on international blvd in oakland, huddled over our bowls of pho at the smallest corner table, she told me i would find the love of my life in korea.

lily, sung kook says thanks.

new friends

2008-01-11T05:08:00.000-08:00

sung kook introduced me to new friends...

sung eun and kyung hung...we hung out and ate steamed oysters together and drank...

and sung kook and i finally took a picture together we both liked. until this one they have all been a little sad and pathetic.

things are moving quickly

2008-01-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

it's only been a little over two months since arriving in seoul. i have a job, an apartment, and a boyfriend. i'm atonished how quickly things have developed. i feel like i have finally settled in to the job and my surroundings.

i started to take herbal medicine about three weeks now an my pain has dropped off tremendously. on days when i make it to yoga, i even have nights when i am nearly pain free. it's an amazing feeling. i'm looking forward to the day when it's like that without effort. but for now, this is pretty stressless way to handle things.

i wouldn't have these results if i hadn't met sung kook. he introduced me to the herbalist and is always encourgaing me to go to yoga. when this crazy schedule at work let's up and i have my mornings free again, i'll go to the accupuncturist that he'll introduce me to as well.

we've already told our parents about our relationship and it seems we have their blessings. his mom has sent me kimchee and rice; my mom sent him two sweaters. i never imagined that i would be doing any of this but it seems natural...thus it renders itself odd.

i'll post picture of my visit to his parents' next weekend. eek!

where i work...

2008-01-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

so...here's some pix of some of my favorite kids from the academy, where i teach english. adorable huh? i feel super sorry for them though because they spend all their spare time at academies. by the time they get to my class they are like zombies from the exhaustion. i try to have fun...but come on it's english...it's boring.

here's some of the teachers i work with and enjoying a night out eating and having a few drinks. we don't do this often. it was only once.

all i know...

2007-12-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

all i know right now is work. 6 days a week from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. for one month; no holidays. sucks ass. it's winter break for most of the children and this means our academy is holding special winter sessions. this means a whole world of exhaustion but more importantly it equates to major scrilla. i can't wait to get my fat ass paycheck next month.

i'll post some pictures soon. the free internet i've been stealing from a neighbor has been hit or miss as of late, so posting photos has been a no-go.

till then....

new directions

2007-12-23T18:09:00.000-08:00

i miss pho

2007-12-16T03:47:00.000-08:00

i miss pho. it took me all day to get over a hangover. and i now i really miss everything i left behind. my spirit could not be satisfied by anything and now i'm nearly out of all the bourbon i brought with me. yes, for those who more intimately know that's nearly 6 bottles. i'll qualify that by saying that i did not enjoy all of it by myself but nonetheless it is almost gone. my crutch is being stripped from me. ughhhh.

today i hit a low point. tonight i weep for my sorry existence. tomorrow i start anew with no regrets and keep forging forward. tomorrow, i will make amends for my sorrows today. silly and trite i know. but for all those deciding to move to a new country on your own...this is fair warning.

i miss everybody back home soooooo much tonight.

some of you have already heard...

2007-12-12T06:34:00.001-08:00

this is my boyfriend yoo sung kook 유성국
you all have been formally introduced now. lay the rumors to rest now.

i'm legal

2007-12-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

i can't help but think of how privileged i am to carry an u.s. passport. this was way too easy for me to receive my residency card. it took 2 weeks in the u.s. to receive my visa and only one week after applying here in seoul to receive my residency status.

i think everyday of my sister who is still waiting back home. hugs.

WTF?

2007-12-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

what is does this mean? twosome place? for tasty treats and double delights? i can hear my good friend tommy giggling like a middle schooler.

dream

2007-11-30T14:51:00.000-08:00

i had an amazing dream...i wished i could have stayed in that portion of my mind for the entire length of my sleep but my guide pulled me away to more pressing matters. i was shown by a faceless man a tree that sat in the middle of a road that ran alongside the field of clam and oysters farmed by russians and being ransacked by koreans. (i don't know what that's about).

the tree was startling. i wish i could understand its meaning and significance in my life. it was a large light colored tree that had enveloped a dark smaller tree. they looked like to people dancing with their hands and arms intertwined in a gentle manner. but there seemed to be a struggle when they first came together. there was tension but there was beauty and gentleness as well.

i was given but just a moment to look. it wasn't enough time to make a decision but i wanted to stay and stare just a little bit longer.

new ...one room

2007-11-29T14:44:00.000-08:00

it's been one month since i arrived in corea. it's unbelievable. when i stop for more than one second to think about it i find myself stunned. then i begin to miss everyone, so i push aside such thoughts and concentrate on all the things i have been able to accomplish in this month.

after struggling for a couple weeks, interviewing with several 학원s hakwons coming up with just disappointment, i landed a pretty good gig. rather than being paid a monthly salary i was hired at an hourly rate. so the more i work, the more i get paid. i received an apartment with the key deposit paid, but i need to pay the rent. i started working two days ago after a week of intensive training, where they work the corean way and provide no compliments, just criticisms, which on days when my self esteem was wavering seemed hurtful but on other days felt constructive.

at the training i met some really nice folks and some idiots. foreigners. need i say more? i will post in the future some of the good folks i met.

but here's my one room aka studio. it looks messier in the picture for some reason than it really is, but i took this photo a week ago and have rearranged things. here's a picture of my very ummm...cozy bathroom/laundry room as well. and a picture from the other end with a view of my very small kitchen...ette.

the place is a little expensive for its size and the deposit amount, so i will only be staying here through the winter and will find a more affordable place.

i think yhangmal likes it here too.

p.s. i've updated the photos for the previous post about the snow.

it's snowed!

2007-11-25T05:57:00.001-08:00

here i am caught in the first snow of the winter. ... that's it. i ain't got much else to say but that it was gorgeous. i will post the other photos i took, but this one was on my friend's cell phone.

UPDATED: i've added picture i took on our way to corner market to get some soju...it was such a happy moment when we realized it was snowing. i was getting soaked and thought of lily and dohee's words, "no, you'll need the umbrella when it snows." i thought they were crazy. but alas their craziness would have kept me dry. now i carry an umbrella everywhere and have added it as one more thing i've learned. click on the picture below to check out the rest of the photos from that night.

light outside my window, originally uploaded by lijabet.

broken

2007-11-12T18:09:00.001-08:00

IMG_5634, originally uploaded by lijabet.

I went out with my friend, HC to the FTA protests. the corea/u.s. FTA will the 2nd largest FTA after NAFTA and we know how well the NAFTA worked for the poor, farmers and mexicans. we can only imagine what will happen when this happens for coreans. the poor farmers in the southern parts of corea, still consider themselves peasants, will be hit pretty hard.

tension was palpable in the air. with the police set up to blockade the streets, cornering the protesters from entering parts of the city and preventing ordinary folks from entering the march. basically to corner the protest.

as we put on our face masks we prepared for the oncoming violence. and it soon began. the water hoses and tear gas began falling. i guarded my camera but feared the polices desire to hurt some protesters. and soon they came through behind the buses, after the protesters were able to get on top of the buses using ladders to shut off the water hoses. they came swinging their batons. frightened the crowded ran. i was a part of that mob and my heart raced as i feared i would trip and be trampled on. i thought, "this is how i'm gonna die in corea." but since i was in the middle of the crowd i was out of harms way from the batons.

it was amazing to see folks with some much conviction they would lay their bodies down to be hurt. it was all very dramatic and overwhelming.

then as i got on the subway after the protest, found the rest of the city didn't know what was going on around them. i was amazed.

here's some video. a little shaky but i was shaky.

the coolest peeps in the whole wide world

2007-11-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

this is a group photo from my going away party.

sigh. i wish that time would have stood still for just us. with the world whirling by and i with the most coolest people having fun. i love these peeps.

i miss them.

what's the difference between a kyo-po and a foreigner?

2007-11-10T03:06:00.001-08:00

how should i know?

sounds like a line to a joke. but it wasn't a joke when i went for an interview with a language institute, i was told i didn't deserve the same pay or housing benefits of a foreigner - i.e. i'm not white.

uh duh? then i found myself defending my american-ness...yuck! barf. like OMG. gag. ahhhggghhhh. i heard myself saying, "i was born and raised in the U.S. what makes me different than any other foreigner?"

huh? my desperation for a job and a place to live - basic security was driving me to say things that left me feeling dirty.

i am an american citizen. yes i know. but then why do i when asked "what are you?" i respond, "korean" these are silly collegiate questions i asked when i was 18. this experience has thrown me off so much i have reverted to dealing with my identity all over again.

i should have responded. no, i have a masters degree. as you can hear in my voice, i speak english both fluently and proficiently. i have 12 years experience working with children, youth and adults as a therapist and counselor. i am qualified for the position and if you feel that my visa status hinders me from being seen as qualified, then see ya! peace out.

yummy

2007-11-08T16:25:00.001-08:00

yummy, originally uploaded by lijabet.

this night was at the end of a long day of up and downs of emotions. it good way to end the such a day. good food, good drinks, good company. this is the korean way.

whew...finally caught up

2007-11-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

omg...i finally caught up with all my podcasts. i podcasted bbc global news and other of my favorite radio shows - this american life, selected shorts, and radio lab - before i left for corea. i finally caught up and listened to the entire 3 weeks cache.

this should be an indication of how unproductive i feel. i have been sending out resumes and following up with jobs and places to live nearly everyday since arriving a week ago and yet...i have so much time to listen to all those podcasts.

silly, i know. but i seek to perfection ... to rule the world. (queue music ...tears for fears)

i need an editor

2007-11-06T17:37:00.000-08:00

god, i apologize to anyone reading these posts. i suck at editing. even a few days after reading i think there are no mistakes then i let a few more days pass... and wham! big ass missing WORDS and some really random as insertion of other unnecessary words. then there's the grammar! shit.

i need an editor.

first walk of shame...sorta

2007-11-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

last night i rolled out to my friend, S's pad - a hop and jump on the subway with one connector from the 2 line to the 5 line. the place is bigger than her old place only because this one has a small ass kitchen and a bathroom, but not much bigger. basically a queen size bed next to a desk and dresser and two small steps to the bathroom and/or the kitchen. god, that maybe what i have to look forward to living in for two years.

i needed a drink. had one two many and ended up crashing there.

i hopped back on the subway at 6 a.m. reeking of alcohol and her cigarettes. and came home to my poor yangmal who is giving me hell this a.m. for abandoning her last night. AT-TI-TUDE. no purrrs just bites.

i need to reconsider how i do this here. no designated drivers to take me home.

twenty years

2007-11-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

i met both of them twenty years ago in south corea. we met again last night.

i had given J a call two days ago, giving him the heads up that i had returned to seoul. J, a kyo-po from canada having lived in corea for 8 years, had been kind enough to allow me to stay with him for fours weeks this past summer while i investigated ways to make my move to seoul. we didn't see eye to eye on many things and living in close proximity with someone that you don't really know well, can really add to tension. to be polite that is. but j had allowed me to stay rent free. i felt i owed him courtesy call and when he answered my heart had it's fingers were crossed hoping he would have found insight if not some healing from his misguided angst and pain.

J tells me he reconnected with another 1987 kyo-po camp "survivor", W , who was now living in corea and asked if i remembered him. to humor him, i took a few "hmmmm."'s, a large pause and said, "Oh Yeah! i remember him." but i didn't. we spent the entire two weeks stowed away in a dormitory sleep deprived, strung out on sugar, caffeine, and ramped up adolescent hormones. i barely remembered the girls sharing my bunk.

years ago the south corean government in an attempt to acculturate the many corean children living outside it's borders, designed a two-week camp specific for them. like many other camps, parents were all too excited to leave their children in the care of someone else for two weeks and watched as we boarder the various buses to each of 8 south corean provinces. children from all over the world.

i ended up in the one nestled in the hills above daegu, in central south corea with a mix of middle school and high school youth from canada, san francisco bay area, japan, germany, and one kid from thailand. each of the camps, that had at least 150 campers, each took a tour to sorak mountain and spent one weekend in a minbok, a homestay with a local family. the government had to discontinue the camps after several years of girls came home pregnant.

i don't think when i was 13 i understood what any of it meant. i just had lots of fun. i was part of a group of kids who didn't want to beat me up cuz i was asian. i was a part of the cool crowd for once in my life. it had given me a confidence when i returned to middle school back home. even in retrospect it doesn't seem to have informed my identity that much and here i was talking to one of them.

i misjudged J's desire for reconnecting to a better time in his life and received a text immediately after we hung up.

"just talked to W he wants 2 meet on Sat 4 dinner @ 6pm. let me know ur schd thx"

d'oh!

i took a day to return the text and agree to the dinner. J suggested a meat grilling place next to his house and i hopped on a bus headed to his neighborhood.

riding the bus in seoul, is like playing pungmul to me. i never know if i'm doing it right. playing pungmul for the first two years left me feeling a slightly inadequate - a combination of nerves, sweat, uncertainty and a weak facade of trying to keep up. that's how i feel on the bus. i felt that way on the bus that night. i felt the same timidness creep over me as i checked and rechecked the bus route on the map above the window on the bus. i hoped i could shed the insecurity by the time i got to the restaurant.

the restaurant that is usually busy on the weekdays from the business dinners and after work hours crowds, was empty except for a couple seated a the table closest to the door. i was the first to arrive but only waited a few minutes before they arrived.

when i saw J at the bus stop three months really for the first time, not only was his face exactly the same, but he hadn't grown much taller. he's appearance was a little scrubber but he had the same bowlegged walk with a slightly ape-like dip of his shoulders and arms as he walked like he was perpetually playing hockey. he cleaned up a little for the evening, still casual but clean. i suspected his mother whose visiting right now gave him the ass whooping he needed to clean his apartment. he confirmed this later.

i stood up to greet them, hugging J first then turning to W hugged him as he bluntly and with genuine disbelief asked, "do you remember me?"

i felt like he saw through the disingenuous reply when he asked, "are you sure? you remember me?"

quickly to stave off his questioning eyes, i retorted, "you're the one who doesn't remember me."

shit.

as we awkwardly began our conversation, i slowly realized who he was. his face seemed to have rounded out and aged. unlike J, W didn't not look like he did when we were in middle school. i had the funny feeling i didn't like him too much then. god, i was so pretentious then.
his unrelenting and blatant studying of my face made me uncomfortable.

in fact W couldn't remember me either. he definitely remembered J. he seemed to have a fond admiring memory; he voice gave away to his junior high school desires to be like J. J always had his hair fixed and his collar popped up. he was "smooth" with the "ladies" and could talk to anyone. whereas W remembers himself, as we did too, an awkward horny joker. he went around asking girls what their sexual fantasies were and was confused when it did not evoke the same reaction as J's advances.

we jogged further down memory lane, memories i had not thought about for nearly two decades slowly came out proceeded with laughter and sometimes coupled with embarrassment. W said he recognized my laughter.

i responded, "but you still think i didn't go to the camp, huh?" he nodded.

W lived in the same city as my friend C, who was my bunkmate and summer kyo-po camp sidekick. we shared the same birthday and immediately with this information, W shouts, "i remember you! OMIGOD. i remember you."

he repeated this several times.

he said several times loudly, "you look exactly you did in grade 7."

we laughed, me with a little embarrassment. his stare became more intent and then what seemed an awkward moment asked, "are you seeing anyone?"

no.

"then how do you feel about seeing a married man?"

now, i remember why i didn't like him in middle school. he was still a little weird. in fact, he talked about how, when he was reading to me from his book about sexual fantasies, a book he received a gift from an older kyo-po boy he met on the plane to korea with the hope of scoring with the ladies, i told him such. "you know will, you're weird."

he said he put the book away after that conversation.

the conversation eventually moved on to more current life subjects, career and family relations. W and J are both working in the finance market. they are the only folks beside two others that are in the field. most of my friends are in non-profit community based services and social movement organizing. they both piqued my interest in exploring in more definitive manner starting a therapy practice for kyo-po's in seoul. i woke up early the next more full of their voices and could taste the potential in my excitement.

we left dinner and said our goodbyes with the promise to meet again soon. J moved on to meet his friends for a night of clubbing. i turned to go down the street to the bus stop and W stopped me by offering me a ride home. as we drove away, he asked me if i wanted to go for a drive. i had said earlier to J that i was too tired to go clubbing but a drive seemed nice. the cold autumn night weather was invigorating. i love autumn more than any season.

as we headed for the north mountain ridge of seoul, W asks me if i wanted to check out a tranny bar. it seemed like the oddest thing at the moment to ask, but the evening seemed to be filled with those awkward conversation starters and questions. it seemed like this was W's trait - a slight form ofADHD or asperger's disease - he was there but not there.

i said, sure. i wanted to check out the lgbtq community here. W seemed to be at a crossroads in his life. not unlike many of the kyo-po's who've come to live in corea, W was looking for something that seem to be missing his life. identity, understanding, acceptance...hope.

W told me he was violently homophobic and had searched for homosexuals to "kick the shit of them." but now he wouldn't do that. he's a changed man as of two weeks ago. he met a female lawyer how introduced him to the tranny bar and where W heard the story of the madame at the bar. he found he could identify with her strife and once he accepted she thought of herself as a woman so could he. he then suddenly found her very attractive.

he wouldn't say much more.

i didn't ask more. it was too soon.

we wound our way up the mountainside for a view before heading to the bar. he seemed to know the general vicinity but didn't know exactly how to get there. just like his exploration into the tranny bar scene. he seemed intrigued even enticed by the experience but still young in his venture into a new realm of thinking. he still thought homosexuality was wrong. it was against the "advancement of humankind." i argued with him for a little bit, attempting to maintain my cool. i shared how i could identify with someone who through all truths and possibilities still chose to face the fear of persecution and physical harm to be who they could not deny themselves. i could the tension building in my muscle - readying for a fight.

then i realized he didn't want an argument. he wanted to be wrong. he wanted to someone to explain why he shouldn't be such an asshole. i felt sorry for him. he seemed like a little child lost.

we eventually made it up to the mountain and through the trees watched the view. it was an amazing view. i didn't have any of my cameras as i had chosen to make use of the wallet size clutch my goddaughter's family had given to me as a going away gift. we didn't stay long because the cold crisp autumn weather was making need to pee.

after we made a pit stop we drove over to itaewon, the forienger's district which bordered the neighborhood where the largest u.s. military installation/base was located. i had chosen each of my previous returns to seoul to avoid that part of town. i know myself too well. i hated drunk white people and military servicemen. but it seemed serendipitous that after my first visit to itaewon was twenty years ago, i would end up here with someone i met twenty years ago. we joked about how we use to sneak out from our relatives' houses to go meet up in itaewon. we didn't go into tranny bars back then.

but we did tonight. it was quiet. too early for any customers to be around. it was only midnight. W and i were the only customers and one of the hostesses seemed angry and annoyed that a straight woman was patronizing the joint and cuz i was not willing to throw down the big dollars for a bottle whiskey. shit, in no bar, straight,tranny or not would i pay $250 for a bottle of crown royal. after she threw the menu down and walked away there seemed to be a dead awkward silence.

we order a green tea, a water and shot of whiskey. the only remaining hostess served us with her gay barback.

W ask me in english, "can i tell her she pretty?"

i say you can do whatever you want.

so, he turns to the hostess and says, "she says you're pretty."

cop out. what a wuss.

i couldn't take the contradicting gleam and guilt in his eye as if he wished he could abandon everything and make out with the hostess. i asked if he could take me home.

i said, i was tired.

when i asked him why he thought after only meeting again for the first time in twenty years why he could ask me to go to a tranny bar with him, he said, "you seemed to be intelligent enough to handle it. i just thought from the way you talked you'ld be open to going."

perhaps he'll be asking me to i watch him in the near future play out his tranny fantasy and make out with that hostess.

i've become a ghost UPDATED

2007-11-02T17:02:00.001-07:00

ghost gets closer, originally uploaded by lijabet.

UPDATE: i took this photo with my point and shoot canon powershot SD550 1/40, 2.8, ISO 50 i held the camera at my chest to create the prayer like silhouette

i went to visit my family in georgia and it was a difficult trip. i think i mentioned this already. but this picture portrays exactly how i felt while i was there; just a ghost. i am present but barely ac knowledgeable.

i know my mom regrets her choices and i am trying to understand but i just want to be a daughter who gets to be a daughter sometimes not a mule. i am only appreciated for my ability to carry the load and not for my presence and my absence is only felt when the load has to be picked up by herself.

boo hoo.

but i did have fun hanging out with my sister-in-law and on one of the many days i had to spend time alone, i found a book about fibromylagia that is my new bible.

click the pix to a family portrait.

i miss them.

9 days left

2007-10-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

updating this blog is much more work and consistency than i had originally thought, especially after losing some steam after the initial novelty of the format wore off some and i had space in my brain to occupy thoughts and musings regarding this move, which is now looming. 9 more days.

no, i cannot believe it. everyday this past week i have woken to my voice saying, "fuck." then the thoughts go running leading to my heart palpating, muscles tightening, head pulsing, and vision blurring. anxiety attack pending. and i say to myself, "breath. deeply. breath. damn it breath!" i play out the one woman version of a scene from ER. "don't give up now!"

it probably does not help that i have the trip to georgia hanging over my head like a noose hung by all the guilt, shame, disappointment, and burden from my childhood and the role i was forced to play as mother to my mother. my mom promised me she would be on vacation while i visited and we would take time to drive to the beach and the mountains and broke that promise. instead, she simply fit me into her schedule between work at the church and her list of to-do's for me. it was as if she had forgotten i am leaving the country for two years - this was just another visit.

i returned to oakland disheartened.

then left for yosemite...here's the photos sam. i only chose a few.

let's suffice to say...i needed it and i am so glad i went.

http://www.flickr.com/gp/15640069@N06/4m6zH5

i have much more to write but am tired and need some rest. i will return again some time this week to share more.

seven boxes and a suitcase

2007-09-25T08:51:00.001-07:00

sorry i have posted lately...i've been busy packing up my life for the transition.

i have successfully reduced the entire contents of 16 years of living on my own into just seven boxes and one suitcase.
the hollow echo sound is getting louder each day as more of its contents are being removed. my neighbor commented on it as she was passing my open door. this empty sound brings such a crushing loneliness that it's been a little unsettling to sleep; that and having to sleep on the floor.

my night have been filled with very dreams filled with regrets, goodbyes, and fear that culminated with me breaking down in tears over the regret of having not done enough for some of my clients, particularly the children whose mothers for one reason or another, decided to not maintain the therapy for their children.

but last night i found liberation in my dreams from the biggest regret in my life - my father. i spent sometime in my unconscious telling him how much he hurt us and he finally deflated into a flatten balloon on the floor. with each word that came out of my pent up body, a smile formed and by the end of my triad i was laughing from the freedom. i woke this morning refreshed and less pain.

i am still afraid of what is ahead but i think i am able to let go of some of anchors that have been strapped to my ankles that had prevented me from leaving oakland before. i still have the tremendous feeling of falling off of a huge building in the pit of my stomach and i figure it has to be a natural feeling and i will learn to look at as a positive sensation rather than a negative one.

this post maybe be full of grammatical errors as well; i've been in flux with language as of late and haven't been able to speak proper in either english or korean. it's a little unnerving but i hope you understood the jist of what i wrote about.

now the biggest thing looming over my head is what to do with yhangmal. she's been a little disoriented by the lack of furniture in the house and during the moving out of furniture and moving sale (which was a HUGE success! thanks isabel.). i had an offer from a friend to take in my cat for two years and i am still deciding what to do. will i miss her more than she'll miss me? probably. having a pet filled a hole in my life i didn't know i had and now i am a little frightened by what might begin spilling out of my body if i unplug it again.

this will be my last night in my apartment. tomorrow i begin the life of a vagabond. wish me sanity and patience.

new pictures

2007-09-05T14:03:00.001-07:00

i finally posted some new pix on my photoblog from korea...

check it out by clicking on the right.

i am moving

2007-09-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

i AM moving to south korea and there are so many details that need to be sorted out. i startled myself as i was falling asleep last night that i almost could not fall asleep. details. details. details.

i am trying not to freak out.

tragedy

2007-08-20T13:18:00.001-07:00

i came back home to horrible news...and i'm devastated. a korean woman was strangled and killed by her ex husband last week. he was apparently killed himself after committing the murder. i have this disgusting bitter taste stuck in my mouth and no matter how much i cry to wash it away i feel stained by her murder. i don't know what to say because i'm completely baffled by the astounding amount of sadness that engulfs my body at any given moment. i only have questions. how did this happen? what horrible horrible life of pain and extraordinary amounts of male privilege did this man endure to inflict death on someone else? how long did she this woman with so much strength have to endure this man's tyranny learned and enforced by pain and male privilege? how does one develop the belief that he has the prerogative to take another person's life? how? why? WTF? when will i stop seeing her in my dreams? when will my breaking heart stop remembering? how quickly will other people forget this tragedy happened?

this is my work, to end domestic violence, and nobody could stop this man.

2007-08-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

in the morning i get on the bus to go to the airport and at 2:30 a.m. i am noticing how little i have updated my blog. i have been super busy without much down time, of which when i have some i am either sleeping, recovering, or at the 짐질방 jimjilbang (the sauna).

i will attempt to update the last few weeks of photos when i return to the bay area and i am awake at 3 a.m. from jetlag. i have about 2500 photos to choose from; some good and some not so good.

i have to say that if it is not obvious - i am ready to be home. i am hoping moving to korea will not be so tiring because i will be busy by the day to day schedule that will rule my world; i can be sustained by the routine of cooking at home, exercising regularly, sleeping at a regular hour...and i will have my little yangmal to give me some normalcy as well.

i don't have anything important to say but i will be home in about 26 hours. woooooooooh hoooooo.

now i'm gonna be really f-ing busy. eek.

shortcomings

2007-08-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

this medium of communication fails to allow me to know what is going on with those who are reading it, particularly those i care about. (perhaps the partial reason for my reluctance to post more regularly). i think one of the most difficult things on this trip is the separation; it has not just been that i cannot express myself in korean to those around me but that i cannot participate in the lives of my friends and family.

i feel like i am on display and everyone is watching me go through these trials and experiences - watching and anticipating for something but i miss out on their joys and sorrows. i just missed my goddaughter's 10th birthday. i have not missed one birthday till this year. i will miss thanksgiving, which i spend yearly with the kim's - my surrogate family. i will miss a wedding, the birth of children, first birthdays, job interviews, dates, graduations, my niece turning 18....

i know i will have new and great experiences, but still.

pout.

sigh.

things i've learned

2007-08-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

things i have learned during this trip:

all my korean friends from back home have a doppelganger here in korea. hun's is a mbc camera guy, sylvia was having dinner with some random guy at the overpriced pho place, tina was staring at me in the subway, ... i can go on and on and on. i haven't seen mine yet. when i do i will duel with her. she in korean and i with my english. both sharp with wit and cutting like a sword. we won't go to blows because now we're both trying to leave that part of our lives behind us. and that's where the next korean drama hit will begin.

it stinks like piss and alcohol on the subway after 9 p.m.

the bus going in the opposite direction doesn't necessarily depart on the exact opposite side of the street where you originally got off. and some buses stop running earlier than they advertise and others run much later.

people are not likely to steal your stuff if you leave it for a few minutes out of sight...including a car that is left running in front of the corner market.

i have a criminal mind...because i want to steal that car.

for drivers, taxi and citizen, the traffic signals at night and occasionally during the day are merely suggestions. apparently the red light is a overly decorative stop sign. so proceeding with extra caution while walking across the street is a MUST.

auto-bike (scooters used as delivery vehicles) function like both pedestrian and automobile vehicle - interchanged as the driver sees fit. proceed with caution.

people are out in mass drinking, eating, singing, dancing, playing... EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

middle aged drunk korean men like to start fights with anyone. they are looking for a fight. proceed past them with caution. unless you want to play out the beginning of another korean drama...long lost father, drunk, starts yelling at a girl on the street, who looks like the daughter he gave up for adoption 25 years ago. cue music. and flashbacks.

i speak better korean when i know the other person knows absolutely NO ENGLISH.

i can't speak either english or korean after three hours of continuous conversation in either language.

2.2 degree C per degree of F; 3.2 meters per 1 foot; my size is 66 in clothes and 235 or 240 in shoes; .45 kg per pound.

mathematics lessons in the u.s. has made those educated there unable compete in games to calculate arithmetic equations like the speed of light. try: 154 x 932. don't even try to use a calculator because by the time you figure out you need a calculator twenty thousand korean 2nd graders have given the answer in unison.

bulmia is a serious problem in korea.

the iphone may look cool but it cannot compare to the telephone devices that have been here in korea for at least 5 years.

there is a whole lot of food i still have yet to enjoy. mission when i move here: eat everything.

koreans are always working with so much vigor and speed that they completely lack efficiency. they need peter.

there is a possibilities for korean drama storylines...everywhere.

warning: this list may or may not be helpful when you visit me in korea, so proceed with caution.

a moment to catch my breath

2007-08-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

i spent a brief moment in the history of time in a pit of despair a good part of this week. i slowly sank into the pit upon my arrival without my noticing it and found myself feeling very alone in a city of 15 million where the world just seemed to pass me by without any acknowledgment. i began to question my decision to move here. and i haven't even moved here yet.

i was very disheartened by some of my relatives' response to my arrival; apparently to my auntie i posed some threat that according to my mom goes back very far - perhaps as far as the war. my auntie rejection happened on my second day. i was confused, as if woken abruptly from my romantic dream about filial piety, family and other korean values i assumed were so honored. i called my mom and cried. that's when a crack in the ground opened up.

i heard from folks back home, some saying they are enjoying the blog and envious of my journeys. but for all the fun and the great things, i went about my time here with an open mind, attempting to have as much fun as possible. i have and i am experiencing but i have felt so lonely. i am so conditioned to enjoy my life with others close to me. sharing the food and talking about the next great meal. the frustrating part and the part that eats at my self image and my confidence is the inability to express myself.

i contemplating whether i should even post this entry for fear i would put people off or make them worry. but i decided i have never tried to be dishonest to those i love and so i share my heart with you now, all be it via this very impersonal mode - the blog.

i know this is a journey and every journey has its bumps in the road and i have hit a pit in the road but am making my way out. i spend everyday feeling very stupid. my lack of ability to speak korean and express myself fully, confidently, eloquently, and articulately is driving me crazy. i have been so conditioned by my PK status to worry about what others are criticizing me for and not for encouragement of my attempt or effort.

i see the road ahead and i empathize enormously with my friend who spent 5 years in the u.s. feeling the way i have been feeling. i feel honored to have had this experience because i use to just sympathize with immigrants in the u.s. and now i understand. i see the arrogance i carried in my heart for thinking i really knew how my friend or any of the women i work with at shimtuh feel and now i feel privileged to know such resilient people.

i tried to talk to someone here about how i have been feeling and immediately i saw the worry and the need to resolve my problem spread across his face. i realized at that moment, "oh no. i cannot tell anyone how i am feeling. most koreans who have never immigrated somewhere will never understand." and i backpedaled out and his concern seemed to wane. he still offered to visit with his family often and i can eat well and garden in their garden.

i saw a friend from back home, who lived in korea for several years and she said it is an inevitability - this depression; to expect it, not be afraid of it, and make sure i take care of it by hiking. she made not have said those exact words but that is what i heard. that's what i needed to here. i am not insane and yes, i can do something about it.

i still have two weeks left on this trip and i am seeing the end of the tunnel. i am dedicated to enjoying a few shows and museums as well as a hike. i think i have sketched out a plan for work and living arrangements as well as volunteering. i have a few more folks to talk with but i think i have got a pretty solid plan. now i just need to meet with my uncle - whose been on vacation, look into my visa status and perhaps take a look at some housing choice then check out some hip hop clubs and find a bar i like.

oh...i have decided to bring my cat, yangmal with me. i think that although she cannot speak back to me, the comfort of a pet will help me with the transition. i missed her too much on this trip.

thanks for listening to my rant. i feel better and i know this is part of the process...i am not afraid to feel sad sometimes.

here's some pictures of a temple i found on friday, august 1st, in the middle of seoul, by yonsei and ewha university. it is called 봉원사 bongwhan-sa. it was very peaceful and i was so happy to have found it cuz i was able to catch my breath there.

delicious food...

2007-08-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

i wish you could enjoy with me. you can devour the pictures instead. some i took freehand without looking through the viewfinder. standing and looking over through a camera at every dish seemed a little annoying. bare with the lighting and shading.

korean 참치 휘 jamchee hwe (raw fish). erase the next thought in your mind...it is not sushi. sushi is for one thing, a japanese product. two, sushi only offers you the flesh of the body. this meal included the face, the neck and the body; all with its own distinct textures and flavors. we were served other dishes to supplement the meal as well as special hwe served in single bites by the chef.

this is a meal my friend dongshim took me too out in the cuts where she lives; an hour subway ride and a 30 minute car ride away to this beautiful little quaint restaurant where they serve 한식 hanshik (traditional style korean multi-course meal). it was quite a few dishes that came one after the other so you'll have to click below to check the meal out.

hanshik with dongshim

this is the point when you rub your tummy in envy.

the next meal was taken at lunch with donshim and sarah. it was also in the cuts and delicious. i broke my camera by this time so the quality is different in these pictures if you can tell.

dongshim and sarah lunch

i'm sad

2007-08-03T00:43:00.001-07:00

i broke my favorite 50 mm lens. i mourn the loss to my dear dear companion. i heard some grinding and then it just fell apart and died. no explanation. just a single tiny piece snapped off. how? i don't know. now i need to lug around my big ass heavy 28-135 mm zoom. luckily i have a spare but....boo hoo.

a moment of silence if you will.

a night by the river

2007-07-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday, as i spent the day indoors working on things, i noticed the reflection of the building i am staying in on another building. i saw a little tree. it seemed strange, especially a reflection on the side of a 14 story building of such a little tree. then i realized it was a rooftop. i went out to the staircase and walked up. it is a nice patio with a playground set and benches. people use the space to walk back and forth for exercise and others just smoke. i drank and took pictures. here's a set from two of the more interesting sides. i did not have a tripod so i shimmied my jacket to hold my camera steady.

traffic on the 88 olympic expressway

69 building, han river, 원효대교 wonhyo bridge

then i noticed from the rooftop there were tons of people down by the river park, so of course i ventured down with a camera, a bottle of whiskey and 2,000 won for some cup ramen. i took a few photos in color but with the 50 mm lens i chose to take, they didn't come out as well as i had hoped. so, i decided to switch to black and white and i am happy with how they turned out. tell me what you think.

btw there were tons of people down there. couples, friends, groups, co-workers, families, bikers, rollerbladers, and cops. it was pretty crowded and i can imagine how much garbage will be there in the morning.

a good way to end the evening.

can you comprehend?

2007-07-31T01:34:00.000-07:00

here is a few images that will help you get a glance of everyday life in seoul.

one very ordinary...commute time in the subway at an exchange juncture. how many people can you count?

the other...just strange.
not exclusive to korea but i have only seen
things like this in magazines and on t.v.
i was very excited to have the shot for my blog.

seoul arts center and the national center for traditional performing arts

2007-07-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

monday, 7/30. hot and sunny.
most of the exhibits were closed and no shows were being offered. closed on mondays apparently most of us who showed up didn't seem to know this. at least i got to enjoy a bowl of delicious noodles before i had to march around in the heat.

btw. i haven't eaten anything i have not enjoy yet.

here's what i saw at the center.

i found a path above the center and went to enjoy the shade...but was eaten alive by mosquitoes and now am cursing the decision.

couples everywhere.

2007-07-31T00:52:00.001-07:00

there are couples everywhere in seoul. you cannot doing anything without couples running into you. boys carrying their GF's bags and most singles just waiting for their partners to show up. everything is catered to them too.

i am alone most of the time; i tried to blend in so no one would notice.