counting down

counting down from eternity - that's how i've been feeling like lately. i count the minutes till my darling luna falls asleep each night; each night less of struggle than the night before. tonight i convinced her to sleep in her own "bed" (more a mat korean-style on the floor next to the bed). we'll see if if she stays there or can sleep through the night without me by her side. so, now i'm counting down the minutes till she realizes i'm not next to her.

i'm counting down the days till i've found some reciprocity from sk. will this day ever come? these little steps forward and leaps backwards are tiring and wearing me thin. some days i feel hopefully and other days i just feel a sense of tension that is filled with negative anticipation rather than love and affection. i don't want to reach out to my husband and his touch makes me cringe right now. i wonder if i'll return to feeling when his touch was the one thing i use to count down the hours and minutes to feel again.

i'm counting down the hours till he comes home from drinking again. but realistically i'm counting down the years when he'll stop drinking or months till my possible departure. either one will surpass the other i'm just wondering which will occur first. i'm counting down the days till he finds a counselor and he can finally heal from the pain that haunts him.

i'm counting the days till my second daughter will enter the world a full fledge human being to be greeted by her adoring sister who doesn't know the depth of how much she'll be growing up soon. i'm no longer counting down the seconds till we've figured out a name but i am counting down the braxton-hix contractions and my slow breathing through each one in anticipation of the "real" ones.

counting down from eternity.

what i want to say

this is what i want to say.

i'm done with this. something really needs to convince me to stay cuz i'm just not convinced.

i'm bitter and hurt. is there something that you can say or do that will change this? or remedy it? where's my reciprocity? what i've learned growing up is to just leave it behind. and now i just wanna leave.

cutie pie

yesterday, S took my lil' luna outside to the playground where there are some swings and a jungle-gym on top of rubber all-weather turf. the playground is lined with benches one side where moms and sometimes dads sit and watch their children. And flankeflanking the other side is a big tree with grandparents sitting in its shade fanning themselves breathing the burning mesquito coil.

there's a few halmuni's that loooooooove luna and the feeling is mutual. they say hi and "oooo" and "ahhhh" over her big eyes and luna responds by waving her hands, kicking her legs, smiling and sometimes letting out a yelp.

then there are the kids that frequent the playground that live in our apartment building. they always say hi to us very politely as the race around chasing each other or jumping off the swings. one boy, mingoo always sheepishly approaches me but loves to get S's attention. he's got a girlfriend named na-yah and they're both in preschool. cuz mingoo's eyes are like little slits in a old man kind of way loves to say about lil' luna, "how does such a little baby have such big eyes?"

na-yah was bummed out yesterday because mingoo is moving away to live in a less expensive town a few hours away. but S talked to them, although he was a little bummed too, and they felt better.

while he was talking with them lil' luna started squirming so S took down her panties and held her to pee. mingoo peeked down underneath and luna's privates and said, "i guess cuz she's a little baby her pepper hasn't grown out yet."

S said, "but mingoo-ah, girls don't have peppers."

mingoo looked over at na-yah his little slit eyes big, lips rounded in astonishment exclaims, "so, nayah you don't have a pepper?!!!"

nayah blushed and hid behind her hands.

oh mingoo.

return

i think the pain is returning. after nearly a year and a half the daily pain is returning. the lack of sleep is eating at me. my muscles are hurting. my mood is deteriorating...ugh. maybe once summer intensives at work are over we can go back to an easier schedule...and i can rest.

i also need to return home soon. i miss oakland. how did our parents immigrate and not visit their homeland for over 30 years? i'm nearly making past two years without breaking. but this world is made of money and the problems associayed with the lack of. ugh.

future

i usually could get a general idea of the overall direction that my life is going and even though i'm in the probably the most stable part of my life, i.e. family producing. this seems odd to me. in more "unstable" portions of my life i could predict with certainty what my next move will be. perhaps the lack of independent choice is what's stopping my soul from searching out certainty.

escape

sometimes i go to the bathroom pretending to take a dump but really i'm just trying to get some alone time without feeling guilty.

i've been trying to figure out to have some more alone time. i just wanna read in peace. or just think.

sometimes i don't want to be needed. i don't want anyone waiting for me to get home. i want to finish my conversation at work before i have to worry about my responsibilities at home.

i need to go to the sauna.

honesty

last week i changed my permissions on this blog to allow only those i had invited, excepted i didn't invite anyone. i wanted somewhere to post my thoughts but at the time wanted some privacy or perhaps put on a veil of shame. then i reread what i wrote and thought otherwise.

i've never been ashamed of my faults in the past and i realize that my life is a constant work in progress. perhaps, this can be a forum to seek the support that i feel is lacking in my life. i have great people around me but i feel like an island to myself living so far from my community.

another friend left korea yesterday. i didn't properly say goodbye. i feel like a punk for that. but i was exhausted. working double shifts and trying to spend enough with luna.

i have another friend...my lil' brother, leaving in a few weeks and i'm super bummed already. i'm not looking forward to saying goodbye. but this is the nature of being an expat leaving in korea. people leave. people move here then they go home. friend visit then go home.

i've stayed and i'm still trying to figure out how to make some friends that are a little more permanent. sung kook's friends are distant because that's the culture here. i wish i could change that but that may take time and lots of effort. i need to plan more gatherings even to our small apartment. or outings and picnics...baseball. i will make more effort.

this weekend we're headed down to the country for a wedding and we will surrounded by sung kook's friends. i will make an effort. ...